Yoga in the dark, in the quiet space before the sun awakes, is a thing I've come to know and love in the last few weeks. I've been out of yogic action since Rowan was born; I've practiced since I was 11; classes, books, DVDs (videos in those days!). At Uni I took some hardcore classes and pushed myself too hard and frequently couldn't move for days. There was a lot of Ego floating about at that time of my life. I did basic yoga when I was pregnant but had a lot of fear around it, and figured it was better not to practice than to practice with fear in my heart. This fear was partly to do with being careful of the baby, and mostly because Yoga has always released my stagnant energies and brought turbulent emotions to the surface - a great tool, but when you're feeling pregnant, fragile, and frequently in deep dark sadness, it's hard to keep doing something you know will exacerbate those feelings, and possibly cause you to implement change. Aren't we all scared of change sometimes. I was in such a pit and could see no way out; no hope, no realistic options and had no idea what I was going to do when a baby was dropped into that pit with me... but it isn't that way any more, and I have come back into the light.
Even so, it's with caution that I've revisited my love of yoga - quietly, slowly, with any previous ego long dissolved. I've started off oh so gently; a few stretches, a few Sun Salutations, some favourite asanas (postures) done with total awareness. I guess I've been scared about returning to it, although it's been on my 'to do list' since a few months post partum. Scared of yoga? Yes. Scared of releasing those feelings, and actually having to deal with them. Scared of daring to create any time for myself. Scared that my body will ache and hurt like it used to, and I need all my energy now for carting my son about in the sling. Scared of change, again. After a few weeks of practice, gently easing myself into it, I can see now that not only does my body respond differently (I guess childbirth will do that to a person!), but that my heart is filled with joy and my soul sings while I practice, and I buzz and hum to the dawn chorus. My soul vibrating with those little birdies outside of my window, waking up with Mama Earth. "Fear knocked at the door; I opened it - there was no one there."
Sun Salutations with my very own sunshine crawling all over me, in the dawn light, are a thing of beauty. He loves to see mummy doing silly poses, and joins in with his own Cobra pose, Downward Dog, so many giggles, and all so natural that he would never fathom any time had to be set aside for it; never imagine it was anything separate to play. What a lesson he is for me, every day - yoga as a way of life, not as 30mins in the morning. I felt irritation rise the first few times he crawled over me, and considered practicing only while he was in bed at night, or napping in the day. But, I quickly came to understand that he is teaching me again - the perfection of living in the moment, of not resisting, of letting go and accepting the situation for what it is, and in finding the sheer pleasure of this tiny warm little body crawling up and over and around, helping himself to milk as I Lotus it up of a morning. It is beautiful, and it's only my fractured sense of Continuum which says otherwise. And, what better way to model love than for Ro to see me practicing self-love, and dedicating time to something that fills me with pleasure as yoga does. What a waste it would be to practice only while he was asleep.
So much more to say, but the boy is asking for attention and blowing raspberries at me (in frustration).
Peace n love xx
