Grouchy

Feeling soooo grumpy at the moment. Came on unexpectedly yesterday which  has given me spots, and a sore back. :(

Have been on raw juice cleanse all week, with surprisingly few detox symptoms, just all of the pros i.e. more energy, less need for sleep, actually waking feeling refreshed and not like death despite 9hr kip etc. Been having brown rice and the odd raw bar too (wanted to keep energy up cos of BFing). Feeling very itchy in the teeth department though... it isnt as much fruit as I would even normally have, but I do get this when I go really raw. It's so annoying. Have lost a couple of pounds (dont know exactly cos don't weigh myself) but my clothes are fitting better and really looking forward to next week and not being on, as I always drop a few pounds after, so by next weekend should be looking and feeling fab. And hopefully the detoxy/PMT skin breakout will have ceased!!!

You can tell by my writing just how flat I'm feeling :/ that's pretty normal for Day 2 for me, though. It does take so much energy out of your body... even when replenshing with Floradix and excellent juices. Am in bed with Ro while he naps but I don't actually want to sleep I just want to lay down. my goddamn BACK!!!!! had a gorgeous hot oily candlelit bath with red wine last night after ro was in bed, read The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore which is EXCELLENT - Tash, you'd enjoy it. It's a winding essay on the nature of sex, eros, love, friendship, how they interweave and how our cultures view them. fascinating,  much food for thought, and mildly erotic at the same time. i lay there in the semi-dark reading it slowly aloud to myself, letting the words roll around in my mouth, savouring them and then hearing them echo softly off the walls. sensual.

Really appreciating my friends this week. seen L 4 times and just love it. love those friendships where you never 'run out of stuff to say' and it's just easy to be in each other's company even if you're chatting shit or not saying much at all. So nourishing. I guess that's what happens when you've been friends for 12yrs :)

Inspiration

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

D

Three years to the day
Daisy May
In love
You were made
In love
You did fade
In love
You remain
Endless
Eternal
Universal
Love.

Not just a mama...

Thought I wanted love
But I have so much of that
So beautiful, blessed and bright
Is my life...
My son,
My all.

But at night
When I think of you
All the things we used to do
And I know it's just physical
This thing with me and you

You're respectful and gentle,
Fun and tender,
Trust
and lust
No confusion.
We're on the same page
With what we need
And it suits.

It's good for me
And you,
Well
You're never treated so well
As when you're under me
Taking out all my longing
and need to be filled
By you
So spectacularly

Sweet,
But
Don't want
(or need)
Flowers no more,
Don't bring gifts
To my door,
Don't try to
Turn me to
Your way of living
Drink and drugs,
Just sex and hugs
Please,
Easy chat
Not clever conversation.

I
Need to save myself
The hassle
Of falling for you
(for anyone)
We're not right in that way
No more

But in the night...
Come to me
Come into me
Tonight.

The Way Nature Intended: Birth Story of baby Nate and mama Lauren

This is the birth story of my best friend's son, Nate. He was born exactly 12mths 1 wk after Ro-bear and I attended as doula. I got to cut the cord, weigh and measure Nate, and it was an absolute honour to be there... from giving massage, to scrubbing the floor afterwards, every second of  it was bliss and an honour.

I love this pair <3 Posted with permission from the gorgeous mama herself, to educate and inspire. Enjoy.

The Way Nature Intended: Nate’s Birth Story.

by Lauren Pakeman.

I had to fight to get the birth I wanted.  Society, family and friends all tried to pressure me into packing hospital bags and telling me the ‘risks’. They thought I was out of my mind for wanting to have a baby at home with no intervention or drugs but to me this was the only way.  It got to a point where every time someone asked me if I had packed my hospital bag yet I just smiled politely and nodded. If I had said ‘I’m not going to hospital’ and got the usual panicked look and negativity once more I may have snapped. The majority of people in my life think the norm is to have a baby at hospital, bottle feed, put baby in a cot and to walk around with it in a pushchair and to be honest why wouldn’t they – that’s what society paints as normal! In my eyes none of this made sense, all my mothering instincts screamed at me when I so much thought about these things. Would my baby want to be born in a quiet relaxed atmosphere where everyone was waiting with warm smiles and open arms to greet him, or in a place so bright he could barely open his eyes, where there is shiny metal and loud noises at every turn, and where he couldn’t even get into bed with his mummy and daddy due to fear of infection? I knew what I wanted, and noone was going to try to scare me into doing otherwise. People talked about backup plans and to think about the safety of my baby and not myself, but to me, that’s all I was doing, I was thinking about what was best for my baby. I know my body. And if everyone stopped at listened they would know their own too. There is far too much fear surrounding birth and hopefully my story may take some of that away for a few people.

On the 26th February I woke after a very disturbed night’s sleep. I didn’t feel different, or expect to be giving birth later that day; after all it was 3 weeks until I was ‘due’. I had a normal day, I went shopping and had lunch out with friends, all the while not realising that my little boy was starting his decent into this world.

On reflection the one word I would use to describe the start of my labour is Naive.  That’s how I felt, as I just didn’t know that anything was happening. My waters had been breaking since lunch time, but I just thought his head was dropping and pressing my bladder. When my back started to hurt I put it down to my expanding tummy. Then when I started to notice much more movement in my belly at 5.30pm, I knew, he was telling me he was on his way to meet me.                                          

Craig called on the midwife to let her know she needed to head over but to my disappointment she told me I needed to go to the hospital to check I was in fact in labour before she travelled the 10minutes to my house on a Saturday night (someone obviously had better things to do). Needless to say I didn’t move. I wasn’t going to the hospital. There was absolutely no need to. I was safe, so was my baby. So I stayed at home and started my first birthing journey with just me and Craig present.

I laboured the first stage alone, in the bath with some nice calming music. As I had watched and read so many birth stories I expected to be in a moderate amount of pain but it was just uncomfortable, like a bit of belly ache to start with. Within the space of an hour everything had picked up pace and each contraction was a strong tightening feeling across my stomach. At 7pm, the sensations in my stomach had come to a point where I needed to stop and think about each one so we called the midwife back, explained I hadn’t gone to hospital but that Craig had been timing my tightening and they were 5mins apart. I also alerted my best friend and doula, Charlie. She had given me invaluable reading material and support during my entire pregnancy so I had asked her to attend his birth to be my eyes, ears, and voice should I not be in a state to make decisions myself.  

Once the first midwife arrived I decided I wanted her to check my cervix (something I had previously not wanted) as I needed to know how much I had progressed. To my astonishment I was 5cm dilated – this was fantastic news! I was half way there!  I had Craig run me a fresh bath where I lay perfectly still and silent, when Charlie had arrived labour really begun. She took position next to me as I lay in the bath, cooling me down with a cold compress on my forehead, and giving me water to drink. As each contraction built up she pressed a hot flannel on the very bottom of my back to counter act the pressure (this felt like heaven) I allowed each contraction to engulf me, they took my full concentration so I totally surrendered to them, I didn’t scream or swear, I just found the most comfortable position and tackled each one at a time being constantly reminded by Charlie that with each one my boy was getting close to my arms.

I had decided after half an hour in the bath that I was too hot and needed to get out, I wanted to lie down on the floor; I have no idea why I thought this would be a good idea as the pain was horrendous. It felt so unnatural that I immediately called out to be picked up. I stood with my arms round Charlie as a contraction took over me and it was at this point that I experienced the huge desire to be alone. From deep down inside me I was being told that I had to be alone with only my baby guiding me. I ran off to the bathroom and closed the door. My body took over me from here, I had no control over it, I just let it do exactly what it needed to do.

There was no pain from here on; just huge rushes of energy where I let out deep loan moans. With each one I could feel my body opening wide. I have never felt so powerful in my life. I had no concept of time so couldn’t tell you how long I was in there for (others say about 20mins), I just knew I had a job to do and focused entirely on listening to my boys instructions. After three or four long low grunts I reached down and gently stroked the crown of my beautiful babies head. I called for attention, not for help, but because I had an insane desire to show off, to show them what I had done, sat alone in the quiet of my bathroom. Because I had specified I didn’t want any interventions (including to be told when to push) the midwife grabbed some cushions and towels, took position underneath me and waited. As the final surge ran through me I remember the insane smile I had on my face. Everything just let go and he was here. I had given birth to my beautiful boy completely naturally and exactly the way that I had wanted!!

The hardest part of it all was dealing with the negativity and stress from others trying to persuade me I was a fool for doing it the only way I knew how.

The best choice I ever made was to have Charlie there. Without her I doubt it would have been as easy. I will never ever be able to show my appreciation for what she did for us. She fought along side me to ensure I got what I wanted, she was my eyes and my voice during my labour, but most of all she was our protector, she guarded my space in silence and allowed me to take my journey in the peace and safety she knew I wanted and needed. For this I will be eternally grateful.

I have now seen the light, once my boy was in my arms he opened his eyes and looked deep into my soul. Binding us in love for all eternity.

To have a child is to have your heart wandering round outside your body.

Note about natural childbirth.

The beauty of natural birth.

by Charlotte Webb on Sunday, 10 October 2010 at 23:11

When I became pregnant in May 2009, my interest and passion in natural pregnancy and birth grew with my belly. It peaked during Rowan's birth when, with ecstasy, I realised that all the beautiful birth stories I had read up ‘til now were NOT lies, were not the fantasies of oxytocin-drunk women, were not mere recollections through rose-tinted glasses. The beauty of birth was as raw, natural and untameable as the wild ocean waves and the way to handle it is to ENJOY THE RIDE and not try to tame them, not to resist. The idea of taming or controlling the 'pain' implies that the birthing sensations are somehow in need of fixing. They aren't. Those sensations are getting your baby out. Breathe deep, and enjoy the ride.

When I think of natural birth, my heart and soul explode with a riot of colour, my eyes light up, I glow and I feel amazing - when I think of my own son's birth experience, it's hard not to cry. The proudest 15hrs of my life. Nothing will ever beat it. I will have many more children, and each of their births will be unique and beautiful; but the first...the first time you make love to the Universe, the first time you truly surrender yourself, the first time you glimpse pure true love and ecstasy, that will never be forgotten, never be repeated, and I will never be the same person again, for now I know what love is. Now I know how to love myself. Now I know how to heal, now I know how to nurture, for I have given birth. I have participated in the growth and safe keeping of a new human soul, and I had an absolute PARTY doing it. 

This joy was possible because I am a woman; if you are a woman, you can have a blissful, ecstatic, non-painful birth. I don't mean, 'if you are a hippy woman with 11yrs of yoga experience and a hotline to the Dalai Lama, you can have a blissful birth' I mean IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, YOU CAN HAVE A BLISSFUL BIRTH. The female body is made to give birth and to breastfeed a baby, whatever way you slice it. Have faith, have confidence, own your power and do not give it away by asking others for permission to move/eat/drink, or how you are doing - ask YOURSELF, ask your baby, or better yet - just trust and know that all is well, all is safe, all is perfect.  

I don't want to bring this positivity down by mentioning hospitals, doctors, and all that jazz - but they are often focused on what can go wrong with a birth, and this kind of negative talk can make it difficult to enjoy the birth fully. We currently have a culture of 'pain' surrounding birth, but it doesn’t have to be this way, and it ISN'T this way for much of the world. It is popular to share birth stories of pain, horror, interventions - but it isn't supposed to be this way; sometimes it is painful and difficult because we meddle with Nature, and when you meddle with Nature, the delicate balance is upset and things won't be as easy and joyful as they might otherwise have been. Sometimes it is necessary to intervene; much, much more often it isn't. 

Plenty of women in Western society are reclaiming their birth, because they are realising the truth - that their ancestors birthed without the need to knock themselves out with drugs. They birthed easily, with full knowledge and acceptance that they are WOMEN and therefore capable of birthing babies with minimal 'problems'. Never underestimate the power of the mind - problems and pain start in the mind, and are shown by the body. What I'm saying is, if you're uptight, scared, tense, jittery, being talked down to and bullied, your body will be tight, tense, scared - for a birth, you need to be LOOSE, open, free, you need to surrender into it, to greet each contraction with love and say THANK YOU for helping my baby out, THANK YOU to your body for being so wise, THANK YOU to your baby for all the effort THEY are putting in! Keep the love and gratitude. You are blessed to be having a baby.

The truth is, that your body knows what to do. Your baby knows what to do. YOU know what to do, and sometimes all you have to do is surrender, be thankful, listen to your instincts and to breathe. If you can listen with a quiet open mind, and without a mask of fear, you can ride the beautiful waves of birth with joy, you can have an ecstatic birth, you can fall in love with yourself, the Universe, your baby, your partner. It is your body, your birth, your baby, and you are the woman with the answers.

Rowan's Birth Story

Birth Story of Rowan James Hayes-Webb, at 22.51 on 19th February 2010.

I have newborn baby boy, and his birth was absolutely beautiful. People ask me 'how was the labour?' with this pained/sympathy look on their face, and I tell them that the birth was wonderful! They tend to look shocked and don’t believe me. They keep talking about pain, whereas I talk about the powerful rushes of energy which got me really excited. I wish I could do it all over again!! I used herbs and a birth pool to help me manage the energy best. I got so high off the heat of the room, the endorphins and the support of my 3 birth partners. I have never felt as happy in all my life as when sitting in that water surrounded by people doing the best for me and my baby. During the birth, I kept myself loose and open by saying 'I love you' to my baby, and thanking him for all the hard work he was putting in. The two highest emotions I felt were ecstasy and immense gratitude, more than I’ve ever felt them before.

It was a gorgeous adventure in learning what my body is capable of and I am still in awe. I have such a calm, contented little baby, I didn't really believe this kind of birth and motherhood experience was possible, but now I've had it, I can honestly say it was the most empowering, emotional experience of my life. From start to finish I felt so excited, happy, grateful and loving. Here’s what happened:

It was 5 days after my ‘official due date’ when I woke up at about 8am to my waters breaking in bed. I had been using herbs to encourage labour for the last few days as I wanted desperately to avoid a medical induction at 42 weeks. I felt so excited and rushed to tell my parents, with whom I lived at the time. I was having cramps, like period pains, and had been all night and on/off for several days. They didn’t hurt – I used to have horrifically painful periods (all the ladies in my family do) so I always anticipated being able to cope naturally with the sensations of birth. (note: I won’t use the term ‘labour pains’, as I didn’t feel this way about my birth and it sounds too negative!) I called my birth partners and arranged for them to meet me later at the birth centre 30mins from my house. I ate some breakfast even though I felt sick with excitement, and pottered around the house, bounced on my birthing ball, chatted to friends on the internet, and played on the PlayStation! I had 3 rushes (contractions) about 25 minutes each apart, lasting about 30 seconds, and I got the urge to kneel over my bed, close my eyes and breathe deeply through them. I wouldn’t call them painful but they increasingly demanded my full attention. My sister arrived (one of my birth partners) and I decided to have a bath. I hated being in there, as I had to lie down, and I had 3 rushes in the 20mins I was in there. I got out and didn’t say anything to my family about the increased rushes as I thought they might wane again whilst out of the water. But my sister noticed while I was getting dressed, and said she thought we should go to the birth centre now! It was lunchtime and they were indeed coming every 10 minutes, so we grabbed our bags and got going. We stopped at a supermarket so I could wee and it was really funny waddling slowly through, being stared at by shoppers! We joked to my dad that we might stop to buy snacks and he didn’t see the funny side...!

It was snowing, and everything felt so magical, knowing I would meet my baby very soon. I felt hugely positive about everything and was so excited to have started naturally and be going to the lovely birth centre I’d chosen, not a hospital (especially as there was norovirus at my local hospital and no birth partners were allowed! Plus it has a bad rep for lack of breastfeeding support). I sat very still in the car and breathed through my rushes, asking my parents to turn the radio up so they couldn’t hear me – I closed my eyes and went into myself. Once at the birth centre, Adam, the baby’s dad arrived – we had broken up the previous month after a difficult relationship, but were still on good terms at this time. The midwives settled us into a side room. My sister unpacked the many bags I’d brought and we made the room our own. A midwife observed my rushes every now and then and late afternoon, she checked my cervix at my request – I was 3-4cm dilated and she said to expect 1cm an hour from then on. I thought it would be quicker than that (I turned out to be right!). My doula Becky arrived at the centre and things really got going then, I think it was because I felt so safe with her. I started having stronger, longer rushes, and needing to bend over a birth ball or the back of a chair, I breathed deeply and Becky massaged my back with oils, which felt amazing. Adam held my hand and made me laugh, my sister offered water and food in between rushes and took lots of photos as I requested. At one point I had a glass of orange juice and was instantly sick into a bowl Adam was holding! Puking felt amazing, I literally felt myself open up and let go all inhibitions. I think the way that a person pukes says a lot about how they feel about their body – I just did it, not caring or apologising for the mess – it was helping to get my baby born!

From that moment on, everything intensified, and it wasn’t long before I decided to get into the pool – I wasn’t sure I’d like it because I hated being in the bath earlier, but the warm deep water felt great. I was 7cm dilated when I got into the pool. We put a meditation CD on which had gentle music and some guidance, low lights, and Adam got into the pool with me. I lay on my side next to him, closing my eyes through rushes, breathing deeply and making low, moaning sounds – these help to open up the pelvis. My legs were trembling and I kept getting cramps, turns out I was slightly ketonic, so my sister and doula kept feeding salty crisps and bits of gingerbread between rushes. I asked people to be quiet during rushes, not to waste energy nattering, and I made sure to keep the atmosphere sweet by still saying please and thank you when asking for things – the sweeter you can keep it, the more gracious you can be, the higher you can get off the birth. I started to use the herbs more to help manage the energy and keep on top of it. I felt really ‘high’ happy, teary, but at one point I panicked about how quick everything was happening, and felt myself tear at that exact moment – it didn’t hurt cause I was so happy and high... but it bloody did after!!! (2nd degree tear, loads of stitches, couldn’t sit or walk for a week and was sore for weeks after that!) The crowning took a while, as he had his hand up by his head (nuchal arm) and he was bigger than anticipated (estimated 7lbs, actually 8lb 10oz!), I put enormous effort into the last few pushes, my birth partners literally cheering me on, really made me believe we could do it. The burning feeling of crowning was intense – still, not what I would call painful, but really overwhelming. It felt great because I knew so much progress was being made, and it was all so expulsive and felt gorgeous...

Rowan James was born at 22.51, I was absolutely ecstatic and as I cuddled him, felt like I’d known him forever. My sister took pictures and rang family and my doula made sure the midwives knew how I wanted the rest of the delivery/aftercare to go as I was in no position to care at that point (but I would have done after)!! I delivered the placenta about 10mins after and Adam cut the cord (after people had to run round the unit to find him, as he’d gone to change out of very messy swim trunks!!). I was helped out of the pool, practically carried to be honest as I just couldn’t walk for trembling (being ketonic and very hungry and tired). Rowan and I were skin to skin and started to breastfeed. We gazed at each other and had pictures, then I asked the midwife to see the placenta (they were hugely respectful about this). She examined it and explained it on a big mat in front of me, it was amazing! I was so interested to see this organ that nourished my baby for 9 months and helped him get so fat and gorgeous. I was very pleased with the way the midwives were so respectful of my unusual requests and sent them a card to this effect some weeks later. They really did contribute so much to my birth. 

Then Adam, Rowan and I went back into our side room for me to get repaired. I was shakey, trembly, couldn’t walk or move from hunger and (happy) shock and the sheer emotion of it all, not to mention the massive, apparently ‘difficult’, tear. I chose to have no anaesthetic or gas and air while being stitched up (I was curious to see what it felt like!) and just breathed my way through the pain – at this point I think the midwives thought I was barmy, they said it would hurt, I said, ‘does it hurt more than childbirth’ they laughed and said no of course not, so I said, ‘well I just did that without drugs so let’s get on with it...while I’ve still got pain-killing endorphins floating around my body!’ Yes, it was very sore but I didn’t really care, I was glad to be feeling every single sensation of my baby’s birth and the way my body felt after. I wanted to savour it, and I’m so glad I did it all my way. I used deep yogic breathing to get through half an hour of pain. Definitely more painful than the birth, and I was so desperate to just hold Rowan again! Adam and Rowan sat in an armchair next to me cuddling and falling in love, it was lovely to see and made me cry loads!

After the repair work, baby checks were done and I declined artificial Vitamin K. There is vitamin K in vernix and colostrum. Rowan was not washed or bathed for several days after the birth (maybe even a week!) to absorb maximum vernix/vit k, and of course he breastfed at less than 10minutes old. I felt really grotty but was advised by my doula not to wash too much or with soap because Rowan would use the scents to help breastfeeding – she was so wise, so absolutely right. I did feel smelly though!!! Anyway, we had a proper feeding session, Adam fell asleep til morning, and I sat staring at Rowan all night, falling in love! A beautiful start to the magical adventure of motherhood.

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Also featured here: http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/?s=magical+birth

Nature

Nature

I can't live without her. She is so absolutely vital to the very essence of me, I stifle when I do not have her close.

Every second Saturday since January we have had contact at Buxton, which means staying at my parents' for the weekend, no big deal cos it means they take Ro out on a sunday. Saturday evenings after tea I walk in the fields behind their house while they bath Ro. Tonight, they've taken him to a BBQ, since he isn't sleeping til 9pm anyway just recently.

As soon as they left I was over the fence, walking barefoot through the fields, grounded. Sat on the fairy mound, gave thanks. Scrambled up a Hawthorn tree, lay down and loved it. Let the love flow, let the love flow... it gifted me some leaves to invite love. I slid down to the roots and lay, smiling, to see a lone baby thistle...hello again. I watched a greenfly, who in turn was inspecting me. I merged with its energy field and for a second felt its lifeforce… saw the world through its eyes… just for a second. This world, so intricate. This time in my conversation with thistle I was invited to take a head, bearing two flowers. I felt remarkably pleased. Especially after the last two firm rebuttals (at camp). A nearby red clover offered a flower, and my small pocket was full. I was already carrying shoes and book (Secret Teachings of Plants, S. Buhner). Time to go home and make tea; I took the long, winding route through the patch of woodland - elegant elder nettles and proud grandmama thistles guarding the entrance. "You may pass. Tread lightly" So I did. Drink it in, drink it in... the very medicine is in the experience. A little further on, older thistles with surprisingly furry heads... like rabbits' tails, so soft and bobbled brown... made me laugh and give such joyous thanks for the absolute beauty of nature. How could anyone think plants are not sentient beings when presented with such humour!!! Just open your hearts and listen with your soul-ears, they are speaking ... their conversation buzzes in my ears and I am still so much a baby in this field, yet so jaded and cynical for 23 human years.

So, if I can sit here supping my proffered herby gifts in a simple, wild tea… what’s stopping you? Get out there…ask, and ye shall receive. Be respectful in your dealings. Give thanks. Live your birthright.

In peace,
Charlie x

The Mother camp

We just got back from camp late last night after a 3.5hr coach trip and an hour on the train. Tiring aint the word! Poor bear was so bored he decided to sleep the whole way - woke up at the halfway point to wee and eat a banana and some smoothie then, when he realised we were getting back on the coach, sang himself to sleep in the sling. Bless his little heart. The weekly Lincoln commuting fiasco has left its mark - every time we get on public transport, he conks out, thinking we're going to be on it for hours!!

Camp was lovely. So calm, peaceful, quiet; I found the healing space I have so desperately been needing for so many months. I didn't have very much energy - physical or mental - for socialising which, in a way, was a shame as from the brief conversations with new people I gathered it was an interesting, likeable bunch. I did a bit of networking with a fellow herbalist which was cool, and there was lots of chitchat in the food queues etc. I have just been so very drained recently that I can't give the best of myself. Next year - if I go, and that's a pretty big if - should be a different story, as I won't have been through the mill like I have recently - and hopefully camp won't be on a waning moon again, a fact which most definitely increased my lethargy and desire for solitude. New moon yesterday and today, and I can feel my moon-time approaching, a week overdue, probably stress, or else my cycles going back to normal length - 21 day cycles since 7 weeks postpartum is very tiring, especially when I'm so prone to anaemia (despite diet and supplements - I have some absorption issues...lack of breastfeeding as a kid...). It's day 27 now and it feels very much like it'll be day 1 tomorrow, so here's hoping for a permanent return to 28 day cycles.

What I did get from camp was a lot of direct experience with the plants there. We (my group of Angelas + Petra) were camped next to a Hawthorn hedge which was just bliss... such synchronicity, so the right herb for me at the minute (healing, calming, heart remedy). We went to collect some for a tea as a little ritual to heal the grief a friend was feeling, we added red clover and the tea was so sweet... really opened my heart chakra, instantly, breathing deepened, relaxed me... my friend said she definitely felt better. Later, Rowan was running round with some older kids and I took the opportunity to scurry off and drum. I scrambled right under and into the hawthorn hedge and meditated a little, then drummed. I messed about with some beats for a bit, Rowan and the kids visited for a bit and drummed, which was joyful. Then when they had gone, I asked the hawthorn for a rhythm, and what came was a steady two-beat. I drummed the two-beat with so much love, under the hedge watching the setting sun. It was the heart-beat sound of mama earth and it was so incredibly healing. I came away beaming and just felt an abundance of love and clarity. I had shamanic dreams of the hawthorn bush that night which further deepened the connection and I went to offer thanks and love the next day for the gifts of tea, clarity and healing.

I had a less profound but equally cool experience with the little pixies of red clover; their magenta bobbing heads and cheerful disposition really sorted out a grumpy mood of mine! On the last day (new moon) I was feeling tired, sick, and really irritable. I really needed some solitude and to shake off the grumps before our long journey. I wandered off with the bear in the sling. He slept. I mozied on over the fields until a big lone grand-daddy milk-thistle veritable PULLED me off the path. It definitely wanted my attention! I was told in no uncertain terms not to pick it, but to lay down. I did. This is medicine itself. This interaction with plants blows my mind. We had chats and sorted my head out. It repeated I wasn't to take the physical plant, but to carry the energy and explore it later. Liver stagnation is an ongoing issue for me so this was no surprise, especially at new moon and especially so near my moon time. I thanked the plant and left. My return path took my via a patch of milk-thistles and they nodded at me...I smiled... bent down to touch but was told not to. Fine. Wandered on. I have milk thistle tincture in my medicine cupboard at home but it is shockingly devoid of life force compared to the wild guys in the field their. There's no comparison, really. I must grow and make my own.

Got home to find all my seeds had sprouted despite over-enthusiastic watering by a friend in my absence. Actually had to wring them out and she had been two days before!!! The leaves on my herbs have turned white with the shock. She meant well, though and most of them should survive. They aren't very pleased with me, but I'm picking them out to put in bigger tubs tomorrow (if the bear will allow it) so we can re-connect then and some dryer compost should seal the deal. Sorry guys.

As usual the house is a mess but I kind of don't care at the moment. I don't want to be picking up after Rowan all day when I could be playing with him instead. I'm just trucking along on bare minimum. Still tired and depleted from stress despite the blissful pause that was camp. Wondering if my adrenals will ever really recover from the assault of sleep deprivation, coffee and travel of the last 8 months. Know that I have little energy for starting up a business at the moment, but it has a spirit of its own and is doing its own thing with little input from me, seemingly. It all gets official in Sept/Oct but until then I'm pootling along doing first-aid kits for friends and tending emergency breastfeeding mishaps! Getting some excellent results which is bolstering, and nice for friends, and don't feel the need to expand right this minute. 8 weeks should see all the difference. 8 healing weeks.

Love and light x

Looking after number 2.

That'd be...me!

So, my final grades came out for University yesterday and I’m graduating with a 2:1 (honours)! I am SO goddamn relieved… happy, yes, of course, but the overriding feeling is the delicious absence of the knot in my stomach which took root in December. I am very, very depleted since finishing Uni. I’m having to be very kind to myself, replenish myself with lots of herbal tonics and superfoods (spirulina is my alternative to caffeine now I’m back with a boobie baby all day and lovin it!). Klamath blue-green algae is also amazing,… both courtesy of my Personal Angel, Angela <3. even Ro is getting used to most of his food having green sprinkles on!  He has a lot of energy these days…waaaaaaaaay more than I think I’ve ever had. He’s a busy little toddler and his sleep has changed from 7pm-8am to….9.30pm-7am. OUCH. Tonight he happily went to bed at 7.30pm though so fingers crossed it’s changing back. Note to self: do NOT let toddler go to all-day barbeque with family, stay up til 10pm ‘as a treat’ the day before Summer Solstice… the two combined WILL fuck up his nice early bedtime routine that we’ve had going on for… well, forever! >_<

The point of this entry is for me to try and figure out how I’m going to nurture myself back to life, what I need to do to be more than ‘just functioning’ and having to take 2hr naps every day with Ro just to feel human. Because of my knackeredness and Ro’s new lack of) sleeping pattern, it looks like my house has been burgled. Repeatedly. It’s as much as I can do to keep it hygienic at the moment, it’s (mostly) clean, but is in no way tidy. Just one of the things I’ve had to let go of temporarily while I recoup strength and restore my adrenal glands. I am so burnt-out… I’ve just finished reading ‘Buddhism for mothers of young children’ by Sarah Napthali and IT IS WONDERFUL. It’s really, really helped me to be kind to myself. So, with that in mind… how would I take care of Rowan, if Rowan were feeling like I am now? Well, I’d honour his needs, absolutely. I would encourage him to nap when he needed, to laugh lots, to be outside lots and to eat gorgeous simple nourishing food. I would take it easy and socialise with friends near-by without going far afield, cos I’m so done with travelling after the last 6 months of commuting hell. Frankly I think it’s really cheeky of people to expect me to travel to see them this summer, after I’ve completely busted my ass for so long, but then I can’t expect people to know or understand if they have not gone through 4hrs of Sunday night train travel every week, the same return journey on a Wednesday, with a heavy rucksack on my back, toddler in sling on front, and carting a suitcase, too. I’ve built up muscles I didn’t know existed! People are going to have to visit us if they want to see us this summer. My grandparents don’t understand why I don’t come and stay at my mum + dad’s every weekend like I have been doing (so they can take ro out and I could do uni work). Why would I want to do that, why bother even moving out if I’m going to make a 1hr trip twice  a week to their house??? They live in their own little world of easy car journeys with no screaming toddlers, I cannot expect them to understand.

In 3 weeks’ we’re going to The Mother Camp which entails a 3.5hr coach trip, handily placed in the middle of the day when Ro will normally nap for at least an hour and usually two, so it should be fairly easy really. I’m very much looking forward to camp and seeing the friends I made last year whom I feel so close to. Facebook can indeed be a wonderful thing!! I am on it less these days due to lack of time and energy in the evenings; I prefer it this way. I am woefully behind on email replies, but family has to come first at the moment (well, always!). Makes me wonder how I’m going to have the energy to set up a business from scratch in a few short months, but hopefully by then the superfoods and herbs will have really replenished me. The hot summer sun warms me to my bones and to my soul on a daily basis at the moment… I love it… it does naturally make me more lethargic but it feels so very nourishing, nurturing, loving. This is the first year I’ve not worn sunscreen and I’ve yet to burn. I feel very quiet, introspective, in tune, in love with life, with my beautiful boy. I’m recapturing the essence of what it means to live life in the slow lane and appreciate those everyday funny moments with a lively toddler. I’m very grateful for the experience of finishing Uni, not just for the end result, but for the process, the long hard difficult knackering process, which has made me infinitely stronger. I know now, on a very deep level, that I absolutely am capable of anything. I frequently sat on the train home on a wedesday evening with the baby nursing to sleep, and me tapping away on yet another essay, the sun-lit countryside speeding past out of the window, and I felt so empowered, so appreciative of my brain and my boobs and my whole being, for being the vehicle to completing a dream. I always thought that ‘you make your own luck’ was just a nice little saying by those who didn’t really have romantic notions of fate like I do. Now I know that they are not mutually exclusive concepts. Simply put, if you work your arse off, you can achieve what you want to, even if it’s bloody hard, and even if people are looking askance at you with your boobs out on a train.

2:1, y’all!!!!!!!

Breathe (a poem).

Breathe. 

Just take time

To be

Still.

In my arms,

I watch him breathing.

Chocolate-covered shirt

And dirt

On his face

The milky mouth

Feeds from space.

Just take time

To breathe,

Mama.

In, out,

Lose count

Of the times you lost your temper

Of the times it wasn’t perfect

This moment is all there is

This peace

This bliss.

Submerge me totally.

I surrender to you.

My house needs cleaning,

But you’re busy dreaming

The house will be here tomorrow

But you’ll never be

16 months and 9 days old again

So I treasure every second

Because…

Each minute past

Is a little death

The baby I’ll never have again

Gone,

Confined to memories

Photographs, videos…

I’ve plenty of those.

I’m glad I do;

Each moment changes you.

Holding you in my arms

I breathe with you

Rise and fall…

Rise and fall…

In the Universe

This is All.

There is only this moment.

Blissed.

I'm blessed beyond words. Such a perfect boy; such wonderful friends who have supported me through the hardest time in my life. Here I am coming out of the darkness, hours away from my 23rd birthday, and finally feeling the peace and love that is my birthrite. So technically, I lost the court case - it's been ordered that Ro is to be fully vaccinated immediately. My friends are outraged; I'm quietly accepting. So, this is for a reason. I fought it; it didn't go the way I want; but I will cope, Ro will be fine. My time of sobbing and begging and clawing for change are over, and my sanity is returned. I don't have to justify my acceptance of this forced 'decision' to anyone. It's Ro I answer to, Ro who matters. If I can rise every morning with a smile on my face and be lively and attentive and just BE the mother I am to him, then that matters. if I'm holed up in bed weeping, or frantically packing so I can scurry across borders only to be dragged back (minus Rowan) god knows how long later... then that affects Rowan. Running away isn't an option here, and it isnt my destiny either.

I may have not got the outcome I desire from the court case but we will survive. I am the only one coming out of this with any dignity, with my moral code still in tact. And yes, the only one coming out of it with Rowan.

That matters. That's all there is. In my heart, there's only room for love, peace and joy, now. This is my time.

Insomnia strikes

So, Rowan has started to sleep through the night (mostly) the last week or so. Can't say I'm particularly bothered either way since I never got up because of him anyway. but I guess it's nice to know I've not fucked him up by spoiling him by having him in my bed from day 1 ;)
It's also nice to have a guaranteed 5 hours to myself of an evening since he goes to bed at 7pm. Conversely, I also miss him. I miss his desperate need of me. But only a little ;) I really love the time when I do my own thing, then go up to him and just watch him sleeping looking so beautiful...and cuddle in next to him for 8 hours of kip. It's bliss, really. 


Only tonight, or rather, this morning (2.15am), I can't sleep. I'm so tired, so mentally drained, but I'm also pretty depressed and I cannot nod off. Had CAFCASS child welfare people round today - a pretty routine thing for a court case of this nature, but still immensely stressful. God, to be watched in horror as your toddler runs round the living room with an instrument in his mouth... like he would actually choke on something so big... to be asked where his bedroom is 'just so i can check it's got a carpet and a cot and is clean...'. I'm not really mad that they checked that, I mean it's blatantly obvious Rowan is not neglected in any way, I'm more annoyed that it's just so assumed in our culture that Ro is in 'his own room' (as if that's some sort of privilege??) and a cot... he's never been in one. Never will. He belongs next to me, skin to skin, so he can hear my heartbeat, so I can feel his chest gently rise, gently fall... all night. CAFCASS lady looks confused. I cite some research. She seems appeased. It's so fucking tiring... 


She cheerily relays tales of horrific neglect that she has seen, homes she has visited, poor hungry crying children... oh jeez lady, don't you bring that to my door as well as your bloody filofax of notes on me. So all day I've had these awful images in my head. I used to live in a horrid flat - when I moved in, there was a room that had been used for a little girl, it had ripped up dirty carpet, mould, damp, peeled off pink wallpaper, broken glass in the windows, a dirty little bed, and several locks on the outside of the door. It gave me chills. I never did end up using that room, and shuddered virtually every time I walked past it. I am now, thinking about it. 


I can completely understand why they had to do the visit, I can - some children are not vaccinated because the parents are simply too drugged up and/or fucked up to make and keep an appointment. Some actively just don't give a shit. Not the case here - an evidence-based, thoroughly researched and agonised-over decision has been made. 


So we've been firmly crossed off the 'abuse' list - doubt we were ever really on it to be honest. Ro was a delight, putting a monkey mask on her and playing and not trying to grope my boobas an awful lot. He had one feed. She didnt quite know where to look. Oh he's only 16 months honey... come back in a couple of years and THEN see how awkward you feel! 


To give her her dues, she was complimentary about my house, Rowan, my mothering, breastfeeding in general, etc etc. She fired questions at me like a loaded automatic... it was a bit nerve wracking. But I guess it's all prep for the cross-examination I'll get in Court in 5 days. And before that, my Clinical exam in 3 days. Oh lord... any wonder I can't sleep? 


I also got to read Adam's statement to Court about me, vaccinations, etc. What an utter load of wank... typos, opinion not evidence, full of pomposity. Well, what did I expect? Got to see him tmrw at contact. Dreading it. Knowing he will have read my very long statement, too. I emailed him tonight saying he needs to contribute to the shoes I am buying for Rowan next week. Told, not asked. If he's so fucking ra ra ra about being a dad to Rowan, he can put his money where his mouth is. 


In other news, lots of angel work still happening. It's a beautiful thing and a source of strength. I do see the lessons in all of this - I cannot change everyone, I cannot control everything, I have to have trust, and I have more inner strength than I ever dared to dream was possible. Oh hell yes, I am strong. I can handle anything after what I've achieved the last 6 months... the last 2 years... I'm the woman I always wanted to be, and getting more so each day. If I sound a little self-congratulatory... well, I am. I've fucking worked hard, and short of a divine act or disaster, I am qualifying as a herbalist in 3 days. Now that is worth celebrating. In the midst of all this shit... and maybe even in part, because of it... I have achieved a dream. 


ROCKIN single mama-hood!


Peace out x

Money money money... karma?

I read a lot of stuff about how your relationship with money reflects your relationship with love/yourself, and I'm really feeling that recently... I've had times of abundance of both but neither felt healthy cos they got me so obsessed and excitable. And I've had times of not enough and I get depressed over it. Like now! Where's the moderation? I need me some balance!!

Turns out I have to pay towards the legal aid. They take my student fucking LOAN into account when working out my entitlement... oh, you mean the loan that pays for nursery, commuting, rent on two places and maybe that thing called food? That loan, you mean? Yeah, there's none left, so... why are you taking it into account? "Policy". Policy? Fucking policy? So my ex can take me to court for "his rights" to be a dad (which I was never denying him, just dont want my son injected or separated from me for two days and screaming all the while) - at in return I have to pay to be taken to court, so effectively my ex is taking food out of my son's mouth in order to exercise his paternal "rights" - perhaps I am extraordinarily naive, but something doesn't add up.

I'm trying so hard not to be angry about it - so hard. But he pays very little towards Ro, maybe a fiver a week, but that's never reliable/on time, and in the past when I've asked him to contribute towards nappies/wipes etc (even saying order them online or bring them to contact if you don't want to give me money!) he has said he does not want to do that, he wants to buy him "the fun stuff, like his first hairbrush". Yeah, I'm still waiting for that one, too.

I guess what I'm thinking is, karmically and energetically, he isn't giving anything to Ro. Worse, he is literally taking from him - if I didn't have to pay my solicitors, I would be able to spend more on buying all the food that Ro really loves (berries, quinoa and rice choc cereal) rather than what's cheap and healthy. Never mind things like shoes which Ro needs every 6 weeks at the moment... I mean it's not like he's fucking Imelda Marcos, he only wears one pair at a time, but he has had 4 pairs since he started wearing shoes which was not very many months ago at all... and who has paid for them all? I do not begrudge Ro ANYTHING, and I never buy things in bad spirit or cursing him for growing too quickly - this child is the most beautiful gift I have ever received. What bothers me is that Adam can go to court and make out like I'm such an awful mother, while at the same time forcing me to be apart from Ro for 4 hours at a time on what should be one of my rare days off (each court hearing, there have been 2 so far... at least 3 to go...)... and then he can saunter on home with a joint in his mouth, call by the takeaway and get some beers... and every day I'm making a budget stretch all in the name of doing what's best for Ro.

It bothers me, it does. I don't wanna feel like any sort of victim, and I just cannot wait to start my business and make some of my own money. I don't wanna be reliant on the state and clearly I cannot rely on him. It feels llike such an uphill struggle at the moment.

Note the enormous difference between this cynical, fed-up post and my last, ecstatic one. oh yeah, it's waning moon... always tiresome.

3 weeks til the end of the exams... it feels like the hardest stretch but I know the worst is over. I just don't have any energy anymore, I'm even napping with Ro which is time I can ill-afford to spend sleeping - should be revising... but I physically cannot keep my eyes open once he is nursing to sleep.

Miserable me, tonight!!!

Forgiveness and compromise.

I’ve had a long and difficult week since I started writing the court statement on Tuesday. It’s now Sunday, and I’ve only just had my epiphany. Thank god for my wise and wonderful friends, from the very bottom of my heart. Angela, for helping me to see that my pride was in the way and that compromise is ok. Helen, for the million zillion proof reads and for her wise counsel on every topic under the sun this morning. I am truly blessed to know such amazing women. Plenty of other friends have helped, of course, it is just that I spoke with Angela and Helen this weekend and uncovered a lot of issues I didn’t know I had.

I’ve been working with the angels a lot these last few months, especially the last week. I did an angel meditation after I spoke to Helen this morning. There they were, waiting in love and patience, happy to see me come to a resolution within myself and stop resisting and fighting and being in such conflict with myself. Staying up til 3am researching things to justify yourself with in front of a medical court which will more than likely not take my view seriously is soul-destroying; wanting to be upstairs snuggled with my little boy but having to stay up and write 18,000 words to defend myself is heart-breaking. I’m tired and sick. I’m so strong, tough, fighting; it’s only last night I was able to cry about it a little, and this morning, some more. Finally, those stress hormones finding a way out. Sweet relief and surprise that I am allowing myself to feel pain when that place was covered  up a long time ago – I have hardly cried since rowan was a newborn, whereas before I was very emotional – partly I am more stable now, and partly I am tough and resistant. This morning, Rowan broke off from feeding, smiled and looked at me with his wise, old baby eyes and threw his arms around me in the biggest bear hug. His whole being vibrated with love and acceptance and a knowledge that he had picked both me AND adam as his parents so he had equal lessons to learn from us both, and some of them might not be what I would choose for him, but it’s the spiritual contract rowan signed with us when he was conceived and it’s the one his soul signed with the universe aeons before he manifested here as a human. He is here to learn forgiveness, and I must facilitate that in the safest way I know how.

Yes, I will compromise with adam. Even though I am anti-vaccine and even though I will never vaccinate any future children (and will have a partner who supports this). I will hold out for no overnights because rowan is not ready, but I will start to move away from the contact centre.

My reactions to adam stem from a primal place, stem from my deep-rooted being, my soul, because I wish to avoid perpetrating my family myth of abandonment which is so subtle and underlines all my choices I make for rowan. My relationship with adam plays out like this because it is reflecting the unresolved relationship I have with my mother. It is this relationship which is the poisonous festering wound underneath all the grazes on top. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity (so the saying goes). The last few years, I got as far as I could with healing with my mother and I don’t think it is going to go any further, so it transferred to adam to help me finish up the lesson. There is a hard calcified place deep in my heart reserved especially for my mother and there is a black slash in my soul from the wounds of her and my dad. My body/mind’s first response is to lash out when criticised because I am so used to being on the defensive and in flight/fight mode…coming from the war zone that was my home. But perhaps that is part of my journey, too. It’s ok to have a difficult relationship – some things will not be healed in this lifetime, on this plane. If she is not open to healing I cannot force it; some people will never change and it is painful to keep expecting them to. I relinquish my need for her approval. As a test, last night, I asked her what she thought of my dissertation. She looked wary. I knew she hadn’t read it. When she had, I asked her three times what she thought of it before she finally opened her eyes all innocent-wide and nodding and saying yes, good, aren’t herbs frightening though, the things they can do? There was a hint of approval surrounded by fear-based critical comments. She can never really praise me, she can never let herself say something nice without a backhander – wherever did she learn that? I sighed and said herbs aren’t supposed to be taken as capsules anyway, no wonder they caused side effects if people are going to deviate from nature. We looked at each other across this wide gaping chasm, and a part of me just said - sod it. Be civil to the woman but for god’s sake don’t expect approval or some sort of happy mummy/daughter relationship because that horse died a long time ago and continuing to beat it only bloodies the remains.

And breathe….

My relationship with my dad escaped seemingly unscathed and in fact our mutual dislike of my mother brought us closer, but we mirror each other, and are similar, and every child needs an ally so I couldn’t reject him, too… perhaps this relationship could bear scrutiny when all of this drama as passed as I suspect I play out patterns for approval with men the way I did/do with my dad.

Perhaps I won’t relinquish rowan because I am scared of him begging to live with his dad the way I begged to live with mine.

So in this meditation…

I asked my angels to go speak to adam’s angels. My angels asked adam’s angels to bring forth adam’s higher self to speak with. He was coerced, hauled up. He stood there looking guiltily at all the destruction he was causing, and he had just had the realisation that it was ripping him apart from rowan. Like a child, he shrugged and I saw all the wounds in him which led him to this behaviour. I see his own dad being forceful in myriad ways, modelling this to adam; I see him mother smoking and being jittery and leaving adam’s dad. I represent adam’s mother to him, as I was a smoking nervy mess when he met me…as he plays his dad, the control-freak orthodox doctor, and this court case is his dad’s revenge, and adam’s way to resolve his family conflict. It is so very complex. And at the same time, adam is my mother, with the difficult relationship and the desire to control a child’s play and constantly saying no, but with love underneath. My mother and I cannot communicate; I am enraged and exasperated by her. So it is with adam and i. I have resisted adam and rowan spending more time together, unconsciously, even though I am on the surface co-operating…because I do not want to give rowan up to the possibility of the hurt and rejection that I suffered repeatedly with my mother and that I experienced during my relationship with adam; how deeply he disappointed me and wounded my self confidence, and I can see that he will do this to rowan. He will do it all the more if I keep resisting because I saw very clearly in an energy-scan of adam’s higher being, that the love he has for rowan is clear and pure but it is a pinprick compared to the engulfing bitterness he has. This bitterness towards me is underpinning every action he makes with rowan, and overshadowing his genuine love. It is my responsibility to rowan to cut off this bitterness and to transform it into love and healing to send it back to adam, so that he may free himself from the bitterness and let the love for rowan grow. He acts this way with rowan to hurt me, whether he is consciously aware of this or not. He wants to be genuine with him. His inner child knows no other way. In this place, I tell adam’s higher being that I return his hate with love because this serves rowan. Rowan is my heart walking around outside my body. As is any child to his mother. I will do nothing to cause him harm. I believe that spiritual harm is much more damaging to a child than physical harm (e.g. a vaccine).

And in another place, more angels were consoling my sobbing mother archetype as I relinquished more control and surrender to the trust in the universe. My baby will always come back to me because it cannot be any other way, the universe would not allow it. Adam knows that rowan’s place is with his mother because he did not file for custody and has never said that he wants this; he wants overnight contact. But this is too early in rowan’s life and in his relationship with his dad. But rowan won’t be 15months old for very long. He won’t be unsure of his dad for very long. He won’t be a breastfed infant forever. I need to put it out there and trust in adam, from universal love and trust and not from past experience because he has shown that he is untrustworthy (and he has) – because energetically he is backed into a corner with me holding a knife to his throat saying NEVER HARM MY CHILD!!! So, he is always on the defensive and his actions cannot come from a place of love. He leaves contact early out of frustration and hurt because he cannot bear to say goodbye and see me walk away from him with his child. I have compassion and empathy now, the angels have shown me the way and I release the darkness in my heart that I held towards him. That does not condone his actions; it helps me see how I can play my part in changing my behaviours so that he may change his accordingly. We BOTH want the best for Rowan. We both have very different views on what that might be. We have to compromise – that doesn’t mean we have to agree. Maybe we will reach a halfway point. There are many things we agree on about bringing rowan up. Perhaps we could start there.

All I know is, I’ve moved a huge blockage that I didn’t even know I had. My heart charka is open again as it has been since rowan was born, when it exploded into a riot of love, spilling over, expanding, whirling ever brighter with the life force of the universe and bringing abundant blessings to me. My heart charka has grown smaller and harder and retreated into itself and stopped spinning because I have allowed fear and hurt and deeply held primal wounds to invade. Now, these are clear, transformed into love, and I am free again to experience the beauty and abundance of the universe.

I know in my gut that I have moved the meeting of my soulmate forward to the very near future because I have taken this lesson by the horns and moulded it, rather than waiting for it to engulf me – this in itself is a lesson.

I hope the reader sees that this is a very deep spiritual experience and not everything I felt can be conveyed in words, nor should it.

With pure love and deep gratitude for all the lessons…bowing down, on the floor grateful for this experience and the chance to practice unconditional love.

Charlie xx

10pm
at my door
Flowers and wine
I nearly fell to the floor

Chats and laughs
Tension, yeah
Nice cuddles,
Stroking my hair

I let you in a bit
to that warm soft space in my heart
The place you occupied before
When I loved you

Standing by the door,
We nearly kiss
We resist
And it's all the sweeter.

I dance, I dream
I smile, I revel
While miles away
You're whoring out again.

Pretty sure I told you not to mess with me again
But seems you need a reminder,
I'm a mother now
A Goddess now
And I will eat you alive.

Richocheting from ex to ex
Your life's a mess
Don't come in here on my peace
Bearing orchids and promise of sweet relief

You enter my house
You enter my heart
Just like last time
But now I'm smart

You've riled me up
You've gotta go
Fling wide the door
For your DJ ego

I stand seething
As petals fall to the floor
A cry from upstairs
And I'm needed once more.

Exes.

*Fucking new moon rage! *

On Synchronicity and Lessons

There's a lot I want to write about, and I'm not sure where to start. I attended my best friend's birth 2 days ago and it affected me deeply...it was so beautiful. I'll leave the birth story until I have her permission - I'm sure she doesn't want to log on to find the world knows every detail! I'll wait and see what's ok to share. But I do just want to note that, during the whole time and still, now, I am tingling with the honour. The all-pervading feeling for me was one of absolute honour to be invited into her soul in this way. There was such an incredible amount of love between us and the way she looked at me with pure trust... I'm still reeling from the shock of it, I didn't know anyone could trust me that much. It's really committed me to my path of doula, not merely as a career option, as a lifestyle. It's in my very soul. I feel so goddamn LUCKY, and so priviledged. I am rich beyond measure, beyond imagination even. Ive written so much about the actual birth, and afterwards, and the beautiful connection I have had with her son since in utero... again I want to run it by her before I post, but it's all to come :)

I guess leading nicely on from this feeling of honour which has somehow made me light up with golden energy, is the realisation that what I thought was the beginnings of a new relationship with my ex (the one before Ro's dad) is simply not going to happen. It's been a funny few weeks really, we've been in touch again since June after 18m of silence, and the contact has been increasing since Winter... we saw each other on a night out in Jan and things were hinted at. In Feb we started texting a lot and he even came to mine a couple of times in the evening to hang out - a pretty big deal for me given how busy I am and how non-wanting-a-relationship. He bought me a few gifts and it was pretty clear we were getting closer, on all levels, just a bit of cuddling but no smooching. He stayed over one night when he had a few glasses of wine (spare bedroom, I slept with Ro). I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of it all and explain our history, some of it's still a bit painful and I'm still a bit sore, but mostly I'm really accepting of our sacred contract and why it's panned out this way. I've definitely been blessed with insight here!! So anyway, last time I saw him last week, he'd been over for the evening as he was ill and wanted herbs. He felt better pretty quickly and he helped me with some uni revision and just generally hung out - when I checked in energetically, as I am wont to do, I was surprised to find I was connected to him via the 2nd and 3rd chakras (spleen and solar plexus), and by the 6th chakra (head) - I would have hazarded a guess at heart and base, but nope - it was the intellectual side that got me going with him. Being as he's a Virgo that makes sense. Anyways I'm more careful about whom I plug into my heart chakra these days as the vast majority is taken up with my lil bear, although it's usually open and spinning and reeling with Universal love - I can physically feel it. So yeah this checking in got me a bit confused about my feelings for him, as past experience was telling me I loved this guy, and I think my head was saying I should, but in actual reality I didn't and I don't, it was like a holograph blueprint of what my brain thought should be happening based on past experience. My heart didn't buy it, and on reflection I'm really pleased about that. When he left, we had a long cuddle at the door and we were pretty close to kissing - I did feel open to it at the time, but he looked like he was holding himself back and he left. I was a bit floaty and put some music on and had a dance in my living room, when he got home the texts started (bearing in mind it was about 1am!) and we were both feeling kinda mushy. When I logged onto Facebook before bed (bad habit, I know!!!) I noticed he'd posted a pervy comment on a video of a 'fit' pole dancer - I felt really sick and also angry and disappointed. He didn't owe me anything, we weren't dating, but I'm just at the stage now where I won't tolerate disrespect, and I felt he was leading me on to be perving over other girls an hour after he left my house, y'know? Given out history where I was forever finding stuff like this and it eventually led to our breakup when I found a sexchat site he frequented, I woulda thought he'd know I'm not ok with this. I sent him an honest text just saying I think it's disrespectful and I don't have energy to waste on getting close to someone who just wants to chase tail and got a few messages back to the effect of 'Hun it meant nothing I dont want flings I want a relationship' and I didnt bother to reply - I heard all this before and I needed some time to think on it. It was 2am and I was knackered. All day Friday I was really low and dark and expecting to hear from him. By Saturday I'd given up expecting, having seen his many Facebook updates about the awesome night out he'd had Friday. Obviously didn't really give a shit, funny really because he was never one to ignore texts. Saturday I was dealt the huge blow of court papers from Ro's dad about overnight contact and vaccinations (neither of which are going to happen while I have breath in my body) and also had to see him at contact. Fair to say I was feeling appalling and for some reason had the awful urge to text my ex...being as how I hadnt yet replied to him I didnt think it was too shameful to send him a quick, 'hello Im ready to talk now :)' message, but no reply. Very surprised. The of course on Saturday my friend went into labour and I've been very busy since then and am at Uni until Weds. I really am chock a block, and don't have much time to think about him, but I do see his Facebook  updates and know that he's having a blast and I know that his phone works, and I know in my heart that this is the end now. Our sacred contract has been fulfilled and in a way I'm gutted, because I had a misacarriage with this man and I still feel our baby girl's presence around me on a daily basis. I very much got the feeling that she was waiting to see if she'd be coming Earthside in this incarnation, her presence has been very strong this last month and really it was what prompted me to get back in contact with him. There are lots of synchronicities around this, not least that she was conceived on my dad's birthday and her due date, 24th May 2009, was Rowan's conception date. Also I was convinced I was having twins until i had bleeding at 7weeks pregnant (after a weekend of my family saying how I should have an abortion) and I did feel something/someone leave - her again. When Rowan was born I got muddled up and said 'she' a lot. Yeah, her presence is very much around and I now have a sense of closure because I know I won't meet her physically in this lifetime. I can't say I feel sad about it anymore because I have this absolute clarity and insight about the whole situation. I feel like I'm on Neptune watching the Earth goings on - God, we're all so small, the Universe is so vast, and our daily strife is a drop in the primordial soup. Still, the Universe shifts to make way for every newborn, and vibrates with love at each new life. I know it, I feel it.

So with this all in the background, when attending my friend's birth I was very aware of my role, very aware of the absolute support, strength and love I could offer her. Two oak trees together. The day after, with still no word from the ex, I had the revelation that he wasn't right for me anyway - as a woman who walks with birthing mothers, who walks that close the 'chism in the worlds' as my doula-trainer Kate Woods says, if I have a man in my life he needs to be fully behind me, as in awe at the process of life as I am, and who has the strength of character to be a rock for me as I am for others (my son, my ladies). My ex, although a pleasant guy, simply doesnt have this, and he doesnt have the potential to. I don't need to slate him to make me right here - it's just the way it is. Knowing this, I am free to release him with pure love and the absolute best wishes, and off I go, dancing down my path of happy singledom until that long-haired man from my full moon dreams and my Shaman visions crosses my path. Universe says not long. I say, peace.

All is well. 5.30am and the birds are chirping - I'm One with the Source, right here.

On the Eve of Love

I’m taken by the spirit and I have to write. (oh if only I felt this way about my dissertation!!)

It’s a full moon, and I can actually feel myself ovulating for the first time since I got pregnant (also when I was ovulating!). I’ve always been able to feel it, especially since I’ve become so in tune with the earth and my cycles the last few years, and I’ve had periods back since Ro was 7 weeks old, despite fully breastfeeding with no longer than a few hours’ gap of his choosing. But this is the first time that I’ve *felt* the process in a long time, and I’ve missed it. The moon is bright and beautiful and full. And I am bright and beautiful and fertile. My son’s birthday eve – the eve of the most magical, soul expanding experience of my life – and I am ovulating. What a message from the Universe, what deep truth there is here. Layers and layers of metaphors. After a year of channelling Artemis, the strong lone Goddess, here I am in Aphroditic rapture. My first year of mothering is drawing to a close, and I am on the threshold of new love. Spring is here early, green shoots in the garden, bird song earlier and later respectively… and here I am in the Earth’s groove, ovulating away with it all, myself so ready to conceive of new life in so many ways – my business, my home, my spirituality. I’m having a love affair with myself, with no narcissism whatsoever. I’m selflessly giving every minute of every day and night, and rather than depleted, I am replenished. I am filled from the Universal cup, which overflows with Universal love. I know at a deep level that we are all one, we are one, we one, one, One. O. __

Nature abhors a void, and when I give of myself, I am filled up again.

From the street this house is an average mid-terrace.

From the inside it is a temple, a palace, a celebration of the Divine feminine, of all that I am and all that my sisters are. Pulsing with love, sparkling with light, it is alive, it is filled in every corner with Spirit, and it nourishes me to my very core. I have created this, I have created Rowan, I have created myself. From my womb I birthed my son, myself, and my future.

Ready for Rowan’s Naming Ceremony and Birthday party tomorrow, I have decorated - filled vases of spring daffodils, a luxe bouquet of deep red roses as a gift to myself; spread glitter and balloons and wooden floral bunting, wrapped presents, made food, created sacred space where we celebrate life. Blessed and nurtured and nurturing am I.   

Om shanti.

Stream of consciousness on healing

What on Earth is happening... first off lemme just say that I'm so high right now I could easily not make sense to anyone not on this plane. Im on the fucking ceiling. In fact, there is no ceiling. Only cosmos, and Im not of it, I AM it. If ya know what Im on about, you KNOW. I havent done any drugs, Im not drunk, Im simply blissed out on oxytocin love from my angel child, raising energy dancing and going into shamanic trance in my living room with Nag Champa and Dubs for company. Fucking bliss. Let me also just say right now that those who are judging, who are scared, who are evaluating their own self worth from my ramblings (consciously or otherwise)... please leave the building. There's only love here. There's only love in my life and THAT is because Im creating it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. THIS, this is the feeling Ive been searching for my whole life, searching ever since my newborn mouth opened in instinctual anticipation of soft maternal breast, and instead being plugged with plastic and cow milk. The seaparation began long before that, but that's pretty much the biggest hole in my soul and one Ive tried for so long to fill. Since Ro was born, Ive been picking off the scab and having a poke around the wound there. Its pretty infested. Cleansed and cleansed again... got the shakes and gone slightly delerious from juice fasts and detoxing... colds, flu, anger, rage... none of this expressed to my mother, the perpetrator but yet also the victim. So much the victim, so evident in all that she does and is. How could I have started any other way, than separated? She is separated herself. I have strove to find the love for her, without mother love, what the hell are we? I know that without holding her in love, I cannot FULLY love myself, love my son, and I dont want to carry on this cycle. I dont want this separation to be passed down my ancestral line and yet I cannot be false and pretend to like her because I very often dont. I love her, in the om shanti, namaste, we are one way. BUT IT FEELS LIKE HARD WORK. and I never was a fan of that. I resolved to let it be... not try, but not antagonise, to roll with it. To sit and model love and rightness (NOT righteousness) in breastfeeding Rowan with no apology, no shame, no warning, no 'modesty', no discretion. Normal. It's normal. And let her concern, confusion and shamefacedness be. It is hers, it isnt mine. So, that open wound. The one Ive tried to stuff with substance(s!) for years on end. It doesnt help though, you cant just cram a hole full of matter and suddenly it's ok. It doesnt work that way. Lord, Ive tried. So recently Ive been airing it. Mulling it over. Rolling the concept round in my mouth, chewing it over, especially transitioning to raw Ive had a lot of insights regarding this. And my truth is, it's ok to feel pain. It's ok to still have a little child screaming in the dark inside me, for want of the maternal breast, for want of warm skin, for want of rightness. It's ok to have started off separate...because I am on a journey back home to myself.

Just let that marinate a minute.

I... thats me taking responsibility for having chosen this path.

am... all we have is the present.

on a journey... just what it says on the tin... believe in the process.

back... a RETURN. from whence I came.

HOME... oh home, oh home... where are you... you arent bricks, you arent a willy, you arent a pill.

to myself... cos this is who I chose to be. This is the body my spirit chose to incarnate in.


So let's take care of it and carry on floating higher and higher...

you can't make the journey back home, if you start off already there. You have to have been away first. If I started off at the breast, in the arms, in the high of oxytocin love, I wouldnt be spending my years (all 22.5 of them) winding my way back home, the scenic route. Every time I look back and think I wandered off the path (by societal norms' standards) I now realise I've learnt a FUCKING huge lesson about the true essence of who i am. All those times I was stoned and thought Id found bliss and all the answers (then couldnt remember them 10mins later and felt the loss alllllllll over again) just showed me that love does exist. It does, that feeling is available. Thats why I loved weed so much, it was the first time i ever felt held in warmth. Didnt ever realise it could come another way. Until I had my son, until I knew the warmth of a sentient being tapping me on the shoulder and saying,

hey, you, crazy fucked up lady, Im going to manifest in you now,

and me going, holy fuck son, are you sure? Im in the middle of a degree, which Im pretty much failing  by the way, and Im with a total tool whom I dont love, are you SURE?

 yes mum, the time is now. You will die otherwise.

 And me going... right then. Ok. come on down...

And Rowan was born.

And I knew love. And in that birth, in that 14.5hrs of bliss, of union with the Divine, of self love, of making love with the universe, of teetering on the edge and shouting YES YES YES I am alive, I see it, I know, I know, I love... I was healed. Out into the water popped the brightest being I ever beheld, and to my breast he went. Healing, healing, healing. Tears of joy, sobs of pure relief, the perfect rightness of it all, infused every cell of my body and every cell danced at our union and said YES YES YES. the Divine spirit moved through me and I danced, my heart danced, my body lay shaking and exhausted and thoroughly deserving of a cup of tea.

And in the circle of my arms, my angel fed. He fed me. He fed me cosmic wisdom. He fed me connection to the Divine that is everlasting. It did not fade when the intial nipple blisters did. Rowan fed me Truth, and the very least I can offer in return is breastmilk, which is after all his birthrite, and only normal.

This is the reality Im living in now. Cavewoman parenting heals my nursery-raped inner child. I strive every day to hold my mother in love, to offer gratitude when she pushes my buttons and mirrors for me how I can still heal. And, the higher I rise, the more she rises with me. She offers small kindnesses which surprise me. She advocates breastfeeding and gets irate at formula adverts. While my rational self is calling her a hypocrite, my Divine spirit weeps with joy.

Here, ladies and gentleman, in my rocking chair, with my mug of coconut water, I am finding my in arms phase. I am in arms of the Universe. The rhythmical movement and the lauric acid feeds me. The writing of this cleanses me. The fact that you are reading this and feeling emotion, heals me.

I am love.

And I haven’t even started talking about all the syncronicities which are manifesting on the physical plane. Oh, man.