Money money money... karma?

I read a lot of stuff about how your relationship with money reflects your relationship with love/yourself, and I'm really feeling that recently... I've had times of abundance of both but neither felt healthy cos they got me so obsessed and excitable. And I've had times of not enough and I get depressed over it. Like now! Where's the moderation? I need me some balance!!

Turns out I have to pay towards the legal aid. They take my student fucking LOAN into account when working out my entitlement... oh, you mean the loan that pays for nursery, commuting, rent on two places and maybe that thing called food? That loan, you mean? Yeah, there's none left, so... why are you taking it into account? "Policy". Policy? Fucking policy? So my ex can take me to court for "his rights" to be a dad (which I was never denying him, just dont want my son injected or separated from me for two days and screaming all the while) - at in return I have to pay to be taken to court, so effectively my ex is taking food out of my son's mouth in order to exercise his paternal "rights" - perhaps I am extraordinarily naive, but something doesn't add up.

I'm trying so hard not to be angry about it - so hard. But he pays very little towards Ro, maybe a fiver a week, but that's never reliable/on time, and in the past when I've asked him to contribute towards nappies/wipes etc (even saying order them online or bring them to contact if you don't want to give me money!) he has said he does not want to do that, he wants to buy him "the fun stuff, like his first hairbrush". Yeah, I'm still waiting for that one, too.

I guess what I'm thinking is, karmically and energetically, he isn't giving anything to Ro. Worse, he is literally taking from him - if I didn't have to pay my solicitors, I would be able to spend more on buying all the food that Ro really loves (berries, quinoa and rice choc cereal) rather than what's cheap and healthy. Never mind things like shoes which Ro needs every 6 weeks at the moment... I mean it's not like he's fucking Imelda Marcos, he only wears one pair at a time, but he has had 4 pairs since he started wearing shoes which was not very many months ago at all... and who has paid for them all? I do not begrudge Ro ANYTHING, and I never buy things in bad spirit or cursing him for growing too quickly - this child is the most beautiful gift I have ever received. What bothers me is that Adam can go to court and make out like I'm such an awful mother, while at the same time forcing me to be apart from Ro for 4 hours at a time on what should be one of my rare days off (each court hearing, there have been 2 so far... at least 3 to go...)... and then he can saunter on home with a joint in his mouth, call by the takeaway and get some beers... and every day I'm making a budget stretch all in the name of doing what's best for Ro.

It bothers me, it does. I don't wanna feel like any sort of victim, and I just cannot wait to start my business and make some of my own money. I don't wanna be reliant on the state and clearly I cannot rely on him. It feels llike such an uphill struggle at the moment.

Note the enormous difference between this cynical, fed-up post and my last, ecstatic one. oh yeah, it's waning moon... always tiresome.

3 weeks til the end of the exams... it feels like the hardest stretch but I know the worst is over. I just don't have any energy anymore, I'm even napping with Ro which is time I can ill-afford to spend sleeping - should be revising... but I physically cannot keep my eyes open once he is nursing to sleep.

Miserable me, tonight!!!

Forgiveness and compromise.

I’ve had a long and difficult week since I started writing the court statement on Tuesday. It’s now Sunday, and I’ve only just had my epiphany. Thank god for my wise and wonderful friends, from the very bottom of my heart. Angela, for helping me to see that my pride was in the way and that compromise is ok. Helen, for the million zillion proof reads and for her wise counsel on every topic under the sun this morning. I am truly blessed to know such amazing women. Plenty of other friends have helped, of course, it is just that I spoke with Angela and Helen this weekend and uncovered a lot of issues I didn’t know I had.

I’ve been working with the angels a lot these last few months, especially the last week. I did an angel meditation after I spoke to Helen this morning. There they were, waiting in love and patience, happy to see me come to a resolution within myself and stop resisting and fighting and being in such conflict with myself. Staying up til 3am researching things to justify yourself with in front of a medical court which will more than likely not take my view seriously is soul-destroying; wanting to be upstairs snuggled with my little boy but having to stay up and write 18,000 words to defend myself is heart-breaking. I’m tired and sick. I’m so strong, tough, fighting; it’s only last night I was able to cry about it a little, and this morning, some more. Finally, those stress hormones finding a way out. Sweet relief and surprise that I am allowing myself to feel pain when that place was covered  up a long time ago – I have hardly cried since rowan was a newborn, whereas before I was very emotional – partly I am more stable now, and partly I am tough and resistant. This morning, Rowan broke off from feeding, smiled and looked at me with his wise, old baby eyes and threw his arms around me in the biggest bear hug. His whole being vibrated with love and acceptance and a knowledge that he had picked both me AND adam as his parents so he had equal lessons to learn from us both, and some of them might not be what I would choose for him, but it’s the spiritual contract rowan signed with us when he was conceived and it’s the one his soul signed with the universe aeons before he manifested here as a human. He is here to learn forgiveness, and I must facilitate that in the safest way I know how.

Yes, I will compromise with adam. Even though I am anti-vaccine and even though I will never vaccinate any future children (and will have a partner who supports this). I will hold out for no overnights because rowan is not ready, but I will start to move away from the contact centre.

My reactions to adam stem from a primal place, stem from my deep-rooted being, my soul, because I wish to avoid perpetrating my family myth of abandonment which is so subtle and underlines all my choices I make for rowan. My relationship with adam plays out like this because it is reflecting the unresolved relationship I have with my mother. It is this relationship which is the poisonous festering wound underneath all the grazes on top. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity (so the saying goes). The last few years, I got as far as I could with healing with my mother and I don’t think it is going to go any further, so it transferred to adam to help me finish up the lesson. There is a hard calcified place deep in my heart reserved especially for my mother and there is a black slash in my soul from the wounds of her and my dad. My body/mind’s first response is to lash out when criticised because I am so used to being on the defensive and in flight/fight mode…coming from the war zone that was my home. But perhaps that is part of my journey, too. It’s ok to have a difficult relationship – some things will not be healed in this lifetime, on this plane. If she is not open to healing I cannot force it; some people will never change and it is painful to keep expecting them to. I relinquish my need for her approval. As a test, last night, I asked her what she thought of my dissertation. She looked wary. I knew she hadn’t read it. When she had, I asked her three times what she thought of it before she finally opened her eyes all innocent-wide and nodding and saying yes, good, aren’t herbs frightening though, the things they can do? There was a hint of approval surrounded by fear-based critical comments. She can never really praise me, she can never let herself say something nice without a backhander – wherever did she learn that? I sighed and said herbs aren’t supposed to be taken as capsules anyway, no wonder they caused side effects if people are going to deviate from nature. We looked at each other across this wide gaping chasm, and a part of me just said - sod it. Be civil to the woman but for god’s sake don’t expect approval or some sort of happy mummy/daughter relationship because that horse died a long time ago and continuing to beat it only bloodies the remains.

And breathe….

My relationship with my dad escaped seemingly unscathed and in fact our mutual dislike of my mother brought us closer, but we mirror each other, and are similar, and every child needs an ally so I couldn’t reject him, too… perhaps this relationship could bear scrutiny when all of this drama as passed as I suspect I play out patterns for approval with men the way I did/do with my dad.

Perhaps I won’t relinquish rowan because I am scared of him begging to live with his dad the way I begged to live with mine.

So in this meditation…

I asked my angels to go speak to adam’s angels. My angels asked adam’s angels to bring forth adam’s higher self to speak with. He was coerced, hauled up. He stood there looking guiltily at all the destruction he was causing, and he had just had the realisation that it was ripping him apart from rowan. Like a child, he shrugged and I saw all the wounds in him which led him to this behaviour. I see his own dad being forceful in myriad ways, modelling this to adam; I see him mother smoking and being jittery and leaving adam’s dad. I represent adam’s mother to him, as I was a smoking nervy mess when he met me…as he plays his dad, the control-freak orthodox doctor, and this court case is his dad’s revenge, and adam’s way to resolve his family conflict. It is so very complex. And at the same time, adam is my mother, with the difficult relationship and the desire to control a child’s play and constantly saying no, but with love underneath. My mother and I cannot communicate; I am enraged and exasperated by her. So it is with adam and i. I have resisted adam and rowan spending more time together, unconsciously, even though I am on the surface co-operating…because I do not want to give rowan up to the possibility of the hurt and rejection that I suffered repeatedly with my mother and that I experienced during my relationship with adam; how deeply he disappointed me and wounded my self confidence, and I can see that he will do this to rowan. He will do it all the more if I keep resisting because I saw very clearly in an energy-scan of adam’s higher being, that the love he has for rowan is clear and pure but it is a pinprick compared to the engulfing bitterness he has. This bitterness towards me is underpinning every action he makes with rowan, and overshadowing his genuine love. It is my responsibility to rowan to cut off this bitterness and to transform it into love and healing to send it back to adam, so that he may free himself from the bitterness and let the love for rowan grow. He acts this way with rowan to hurt me, whether he is consciously aware of this or not. He wants to be genuine with him. His inner child knows no other way. In this place, I tell adam’s higher being that I return his hate with love because this serves rowan. Rowan is my heart walking around outside my body. As is any child to his mother. I will do nothing to cause him harm. I believe that spiritual harm is much more damaging to a child than physical harm (e.g. a vaccine).

And in another place, more angels were consoling my sobbing mother archetype as I relinquished more control and surrender to the trust in the universe. My baby will always come back to me because it cannot be any other way, the universe would not allow it. Adam knows that rowan’s place is with his mother because he did not file for custody and has never said that he wants this; he wants overnight contact. But this is too early in rowan’s life and in his relationship with his dad. But rowan won’t be 15months old for very long. He won’t be unsure of his dad for very long. He won’t be a breastfed infant forever. I need to put it out there and trust in adam, from universal love and trust and not from past experience because he has shown that he is untrustworthy (and he has) – because energetically he is backed into a corner with me holding a knife to his throat saying NEVER HARM MY CHILD!!! So, he is always on the defensive and his actions cannot come from a place of love. He leaves contact early out of frustration and hurt because he cannot bear to say goodbye and see me walk away from him with his child. I have compassion and empathy now, the angels have shown me the way and I release the darkness in my heart that I held towards him. That does not condone his actions; it helps me see how I can play my part in changing my behaviours so that he may change his accordingly. We BOTH want the best for Rowan. We both have very different views on what that might be. We have to compromise – that doesn’t mean we have to agree. Maybe we will reach a halfway point. There are many things we agree on about bringing rowan up. Perhaps we could start there.

All I know is, I’ve moved a huge blockage that I didn’t even know I had. My heart charka is open again as it has been since rowan was born, when it exploded into a riot of love, spilling over, expanding, whirling ever brighter with the life force of the universe and bringing abundant blessings to me. My heart charka has grown smaller and harder and retreated into itself and stopped spinning because I have allowed fear and hurt and deeply held primal wounds to invade. Now, these are clear, transformed into love, and I am free again to experience the beauty and abundance of the universe.

I know in my gut that I have moved the meeting of my soulmate forward to the very near future because I have taken this lesson by the horns and moulded it, rather than waiting for it to engulf me – this in itself is a lesson.

I hope the reader sees that this is a very deep spiritual experience and not everything I felt can be conveyed in words, nor should it.

With pure love and deep gratitude for all the lessons…bowing down, on the floor grateful for this experience and the chance to practice unconditional love.

Charlie xx