Money money money... karma?

I read a lot of stuff about how your relationship with money reflects your relationship with love/yourself, and I'm really feeling that recently... I've had times of abundance of both but neither felt healthy cos they got me so obsessed and excitable. And I've had times of not enough and I get depressed over it. Like now! Where's the moderation? I need me some balance!!

Turns out I have to pay towards the legal aid. They take my student fucking LOAN into account when working out my entitlement... oh, you mean the loan that pays for nursery, commuting, rent on two places and maybe that thing called food? That loan, you mean? Yeah, there's none left, so... why are you taking it into account? "Policy". Policy? Fucking policy? So my ex can take me to court for "his rights" to be a dad (which I was never denying him, just dont want my son injected or separated from me for two days and screaming all the while) - at in return I have to pay to be taken to court, so effectively my ex is taking food out of my son's mouth in order to exercise his paternal "rights" - perhaps I am extraordinarily naive, but something doesn't add up.

I'm trying so hard not to be angry about it - so hard. But he pays very little towards Ro, maybe a fiver a week, but that's never reliable/on time, and in the past when I've asked him to contribute towards nappies/wipes etc (even saying order them online or bring them to contact if you don't want to give me money!) he has said he does not want to do that, he wants to buy him "the fun stuff, like his first hairbrush". Yeah, I'm still waiting for that one, too.

I guess what I'm thinking is, karmically and energetically, he isn't giving anything to Ro. Worse, he is literally taking from him - if I didn't have to pay my solicitors, I would be able to spend more on buying all the food that Ro really loves (berries, quinoa and rice choc cereal) rather than what's cheap and healthy. Never mind things like shoes which Ro needs every 6 weeks at the moment... I mean it's not like he's fucking Imelda Marcos, he only wears one pair at a time, but he has had 4 pairs since he started wearing shoes which was not very many months ago at all... and who has paid for them all? I do not begrudge Ro ANYTHING, and I never buy things in bad spirit or cursing him for growing too quickly - this child is the most beautiful gift I have ever received. What bothers me is that Adam can go to court and make out like I'm such an awful mother, while at the same time forcing me to be apart from Ro for 4 hours at a time on what should be one of my rare days off (each court hearing, there have been 2 so far... at least 3 to go...)... and then he can saunter on home with a joint in his mouth, call by the takeaway and get some beers... and every day I'm making a budget stretch all in the name of doing what's best for Ro.

It bothers me, it does. I don't wanna feel like any sort of victim, and I just cannot wait to start my business and make some of my own money. I don't wanna be reliant on the state and clearly I cannot rely on him. It feels llike such an uphill struggle at the moment.

Note the enormous difference between this cynical, fed-up post and my last, ecstatic one. oh yeah, it's waning moon... always tiresome.

3 weeks til the end of the exams... it feels like the hardest stretch but I know the worst is over. I just don't have any energy anymore, I'm even napping with Ro which is time I can ill-afford to spend sleeping - should be revising... but I physically cannot keep my eyes open once he is nursing to sleep.

Miserable me, tonight!!!