Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The House of Love

Just found this in my drafts, written about Jewelsie's house where we lived for 14mths <3


I'm experiencing an overwhelming amount of love just lately. It's no coincidence that this is happening now that I'm manifesting abundance and releasing deep-rooted conditioning and poverty mentality. Easing myself out of these restrictive patterns, I'm experiencing the true nature of the Universe... and doing A Bun Dance to get out of Scare City. Fans of Scott Noelle's 'Daily Groove' will know what I'm on about! I can hardly describe the changes that have taken place since I got my own nest.Gifts appear, help is given, my heart n soul are light and full of bliss, and I frequently feel ecstatic and overflowing with gratitude. A shift has taken place.

My house, a regular terrace from the outside, is my haven, my nest, my home of peace and love and this is reflected in all aspects... not least the free range baby and my style of decorating :) I wanna post pics but I don't know how to, so until I figure it out, I'll describe it... the front door opens to my dining room cum office. It's pretty formal and grand ;) black and red on a cream background with silver detailing, is the theme, with plenty of antiques. I love the opulence and the style of it, from the huge gothic chandelier to the old Chesterfield family heirloom, to the 1940's writing bureau I picked up in a charity shop last week and the shabby chic chair I rescued from a skip last month! There's an open fireplace filled with candles, a large bookcase overspilling with all sorts, and a dining table which is well-dressed! I love eating, sharing meals, inviting people into my space.

Going through an archway and an old pine door is the family room... living room. Closing the door behind me it's the heart of the house, my inner sanctum. Cream walls with plenty of  pictures, wall-mounted candlesticks and pride of place behind the sofa is a large wall hanging in sunset colours showing the Tree of Life (Ygdrasil for the followers of Nordic tradition Paganism). Rowan loves this, especially the squirrels! The large blue squishy sofa with a furry throw in Winter, and floral cushions sits against the back wall. A large rug is a warm playspace for our baby friends (wood flooring is cold on little EC bottoms!), it was beige when we moved in in November, but it is now decorated with berry stains! I've quit while I'm ahead on that one and decided not to be bothered. Far more important that my little bear eats how he is comfortable (not a fan of highchairs and likes to stand while eating). I'd like to get him a small table and chairs but then how would we eat together? I guess I could pull up a beanbag or kneel. He loves the ones at Nursery (Nursery, now there's a whole other post!) so if one crops up in a second hand store I may get it. In the corner of the living room by the window is another large bookcase which houses candles, incense, eclectic ornaments, fiction books and my subwoofer and speakers as I like my bassy wub wub wub :) quickest way to get bear to sleep is the sling him and skank! In another corner is Rowan's Corner! A large framed teddy bear's picnic picture, and several animal posters are on the walls, with a handpainted toybox and some wicker storage boxes housing his many playthings. There's a playmat on the floor for warmth but he often moves it to get at something. He has a lot of books, and these are lined up against the wall so he can choose what he wants to look at. An antique chest holds all our crafts materials and my projects (knitting, mending etc). My mantle piece is a source of beauty to me... on top is a cabinet holding all my crystals, healing jewellery and a few books and cds on the subject. There are two pictures of Rowan and myself, one taken when he was 3mths old at The Mother Magazine Camp in the beautiful hot weather, and another taken at 5 months old in Majorca. There's a silhouette figure of a pregnant lady in a yoga asana, before whom I place crystals and thoughts of my pregnant friends. A Budha figure holds incense (Nag Champa, usually). A wooden carving on open hands reminds me of the abundant nature of the Universe, and I place crystals in it, changing them as needed. Little tumble stones with affirmations scatter across the mantle piece. At the bottom by the fire are several wooden tribal men figures, all picked up at different times in my life. They're there for Rowan to play with which he loves doing, they're the connection to male presence in an otherwise very feminine home, and they're a reminder of my roots and my dream to return to a tribal society. Not just a dream but a call to action...again, another post!

Another old pine door leads through to the kitchen which is small-ish and perfectly formed! It's crammed with written affirmations posted on the cupboards, photographs, plaques, fabric hearts, herb posters, vintage postcards and the like. I love it! The cupbpards are filled with nuts, seeds, dried fruits, superfoods, green powder blends, supplements, raw chocolate, and the fridge is crammed with fresh fruit and veg. A rack sits on top of the cooker (which we rarely use), overflowing with more fresh goods. I have a gorgeous floral blind which I wanted in the flat I shared with Rowan's dad while I was pregnant (who is known as SD for rather childish reasons) but he deemed it too girly and wouldnt buy it. Now, having bought it myself for my own home feels good. I guess it's a very everyday reminder not to put up with crap. "Too girly..." !! My whole house is a celebration of the sacred feminine, and I its earthly form. I'm creating myself, anew. A pink antique cabinet is fixed to the wall, holding my nutrition and recipe books on one shelf, and a sample of my tea-ware on another! I *love* tea pots, cups and saucers... I am a tea-aholic (of the organic herbal variety!) Pride of place in my kitchen are my new Excalibur dehydrator, juicer and blender. We're vegan raw fooders, with over three quarters of our food being in a raw state to preserve vital enzymes and nutrients. I can't see me ever going 100% raw (although we are 100% vegan) as I love brown rice, vegetable stir fries, curries, the very occasional pizza... but I could never go back to cooked in the same way, and we don't eat commercial breads, pasta, junk food. When I'm at my parents' house I binge on crisps and chips and then feel awful afterwards (tired, guilty, snappy). Being in their house does so much to me, the energy is completely different which I always knew but was really highlighted when we moved here, to our House of Love. There is always an underlying tension at my parents' place and it feels like it is 'for show'. Here, I create a beautiful space as a gift to myself and my son, I am serving my gods and goddesses with incense and good food and beautiful music, I am encouraging friends to come and stay...my house feels to me, very much a home. I am creating the life I want, and feel so positive about it, I could burst.

Back through the inner sanctum and dining room and up the stairs, you come to The Womb! Otherwise known as the corridor to the bathroom. Purple paper lanterns cast a soft glow, and wall hangings depict the Budha on one side and the astrological charts on the other. It feels enclosed, soft, warm. It feels healing to me as I can't have had the best in-utero experience, as my mother smoked, drank coffee and ate absolute rubbish from what I can tell (although I can hardly bear to talk to her about it). At birth, I was drugged and dragged out with forceps, into a cot... in a nursery... with a bottle. Rebirthing is something I've been working on for a little while now, certainly since Rowan was born. So this corridor feels strangely healing to me, the Budha reminding me of the peace that is my birth right. And I can claim that now, instead of lingering in the past, wishing.

My bathroom is a place of transformation, with the water and the opportunity to cleanse. Nautical theme, navy and white with red accents. A mobile of sailing ships hangs from the ceiling... white hearts dangle... A white wooden unit on the wall holds candles, crystals, my collection of coloured glass bottles, vintage postcards, and a few toiletries. There's a big old gothic mirror which I love, and two white wicker units, one from my great aunt and one from my nan. I love having family items in my home, a link to my ancestral line and each with a story and gifted with love. The furniture carries that love vibration and raises my energy and that of my house. I am lucky. I am loved.

Back up the womb-like corridor, take a right into mine and Rowan's bedroom. There's a double mattress on the floor, covered in soft cream organic bedding. Bright curtains with lotus flowers on, and the theme continued in the flower pictures on the walls. A plaque with 'Sweet Dreams' written in Cath Kidston style print. The letters L O V E spelt out above the bed. This is the place where Rowan and I cuddle up, dream, breastfeed, sleep, share laughs and love and play. I am so blessed... a bright pink ottoman holds all our bed linen and night clothes, and on top sit Rowan's vast collection of teddy bears, which he adores, and wrestles to the ground in turn, growling. Truly a Ro-Bear!

Into the guest room. I'm about three quarters finished decorating this room, and I love it. The walls are cream, providing the backdrop for a vintage quilt as a wall hanging, and several flower fairy framed pictures. Green painted pine furniture, and an antique mahogany bed gifted from my great aunt. Cream curtains, and cream and dusky rose print bedding with luxurious cushions and a throw. A white paper lantern lamp matches the white paper lantern ceiling light, a theme I've carried throughout the house. This will be my bedroom when Rowan decides he would like our bedroom to himself which will be around 5 years old I should think. I often spend a few hours in the guest room in the evenings (I'm here now) - in bed, on the laptop, reading, enjoying the luxury of having a bed to myself and anticipating the day I share it with my partner (which doesnt feel so far away, the dreams are getting more frequent). This solitude is so necessary for my spirit to heal after all the years of taking and giving such abuse, such unhealthy relationships which bear no relation to the 'love' they purpute to be. I am revelling in a love affair with myself, and with my beautiful, amazing son. Nurturing him is, in itself, healing. I am parenting him in a way which makes my own hurting inner child feel soothed, and although I have trouble setting boundaries and saying no, I am learning to do so now he is nearly one and I feel he can take being told no to some things (e.g. emptying the kitchen cupboards when Ive just tidied) while still vibing him with love. I was told no too much, so it's hard for me to say it - my first instinct is the give him everything. I guess part of me wants to 'make up for' him being an only child in a single parent family. I'm not apologetic about our state, as I know he is more nurtured than the vast majority of kids, and I am proud at the great job I feel I'm doing with few resources and experience! But I am aware that it isnt natural for a child to see one person for most of the day, and try to make up for it by having people round or going out a lot (even though I am a home-bunny by nature and love to potter and nest).

Time to go snuggle up with my bear.

Radiating love and thanks,

The mama!

Friday, 19 August 2011


Feeling soooo grumpy at the moment. Came on unexpectedly yesterday which  has given me spots, and a sore back. :(

Have been on raw juice cleanse all week, with surprisingly few detox symptoms, just all of the pros i.e. more energy, less need for sleep, actually waking feeling refreshed and not like death despite 9hr kip etc. Been having brown rice and the odd raw bar too (wanted to keep energy up cos of BFing). Feeling very itchy in the teeth department though... it isnt as much fruit as I would even normally have, but I do get this when I go really raw. It's so annoying. Have lost a couple of pounds (dont know exactly cos don't weigh myself) but my clothes are fitting better and really looking forward to next week and not being on, as I always drop a few pounds after, so by next weekend should be looking and feeling fab. And hopefully the detoxy/PMT skin breakout will have ceased!!!

You can tell by my writing just how flat I'm feeling :/ that's pretty normal for Day 2 for me, though. It does take so much energy out of your body... even when replenshing with Floradix and excellent juices. Am in bed with Ro while he naps but I don't actually want to sleep I just want to lay down. my goddamn BACK!!!!! had a gorgeous hot oily candlelit bath with red wine last night after ro was in bed, read The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore which is EXCELLENT - Tash, you'd enjoy it. It's a winding essay on the nature of sex, eros, love, friendship, how they interweave and how our cultures view them. fascinating,  much food for thought, and mildly erotic at the same time. i lay there in the semi-dark reading it slowly aloud to myself, letting the words roll around in my mouth, savouring them and then hearing them echo softly off the walls. sensual.

Really appreciating my friends this week. seen L 4 times and just love it. love those friendships where you never 'run out of stuff to say' and it's just easy to be in each other's company even if you're chatting shit or not saying much at all. So nourishing. I guess that's what happens when you've been friends for 12yrs :)

Tuesday, 16 August 2011


"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


Three years to the day
Daisy May
In love
You were made
In love
You did fade
In love
You remain

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Not just a mama...

Thought I wanted love
But I have so much of that
So beautiful, blessed and bright
Is my life...
My son,
My all.

But at night
When I think of you
All the things we used to do
And I know it's just physical
This thing with me and you

You're respectful and gentle,
Fun and tender,
and lust
No confusion.
We're on the same page
With what we need
And it suits.

It's good for me
And you,
You're never treated so well
As when you're under me
Taking out all my longing
and need to be filled
By you
So spectacularly

Don't want
(or need)
Flowers no more,
Don't bring gifts
To my door,
Don't try to
Turn me to
Your way of living
Drink and drugs,
Just sex and hugs
Easy chat
Not clever conversation.

Need to save myself
The hassle
Of falling for you
(for anyone)
We're not right in that way
No more

But in the night...
Come to me
Come into me

Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Way Nature Intended: Birth Story of baby Nate and mama Lauren

This is the birth story of my best friend's son, Nate. He was born exactly 12mths 1 wk after Ro-bear and I attended as doula. I got to cut the cord, weigh and measure Nate, and it was an absolute honour to be there... from giving massage, to scrubbing the floor afterwards, every second of  it was bliss and an honour.

I love this pair <3 Posted with permission from the gorgeous mama herself, to educate and inspire. Enjoy.

The Way Nature Intended: Nate’s Birth Story.
I had to fight to get the birth I wanted.  Society, family and friends all tried to pressure me into packing hospital bags and telling me the ‘risks’. They thought I was out of my mind for wanting to have a baby at home with no intervention or drugs but to me this was the only way.  It got to a point where every time someone asked me if I had packed my hospital bag yet I just smiled politely and nodded. If I had said ‘I’m not going to hospital’ and got the usual panicked look and negativity once more I may have snapped. The majority of people in my life think the norm is to have a baby at hospital, bottle feed, put baby in a cot and to walk around with it in a pushchair and to be honest why wouldn’t they – that’s what society paints as normal! In my eyes none of this made sense, all my mothering instincts screamed at me when I so much thought about these things. Would my baby want to be born in a quiet relaxed atmosphere where everyone was waiting with warm smiles and open arms to greet him, or in a place so bright he could barely open his eyes, where there is shiny metal and loud noises at every turn, and where he couldn’t even get into bed with his mummy and daddy due to fear of infection? I knew what I wanted, and noone was going to try to scare me into doing otherwise. People talked about backup plans and to think about the safety of my baby and not myself, but to me, that’s all I was doing, I was thinking about what was best for my baby. I know my body. And if everyone stopped at listened they would know their own too. There is far too much fear surrounding birth and hopefully my story may take some of that away for a few people.
On the 26th February I woke after a very disturbed night’s sleep. I didn’t feel different, or expect to be giving birth later that day; after all it was 3 weeks until I was ‘due’. I had a normal day, I went shopping and had lunch out with friends, all the while not realising that my little boy was starting his decent into this world.
On reflection the one word I would use to describe the start of my labour is Naive.  That’s how I felt, as I just didn’t know that anything was happening. My waters had been breaking since lunch time, but I just thought his head was dropping and pressing my bladder. When my back started to hurt I put it down to my expanding tummy. Then when I started to notice much more movement in my belly at 5.30pm, I knew, he was telling me he was on his way to meet me.                                          
Craig called on the midwife to let her know she needed to head over but to my disappointment she told me I needed to go to the hospital to check I was in fact in labour before she travelled the 10minutes to my house on a Saturday night (someone obviously had better things to do). Needless to say I didn’t move. I wasn’t going to the hospital. There was absolutely no need to. I was safe, so was my baby. So I stayed at home and started my first birthing journey with just me and Craig present.
I laboured the first stage alone, in the bath with some nice calming music. As I had watched and read so many birth stories I expected to be in a moderate amount of pain but it was just uncomfortable, like a bit of belly ache to start with. Within the space of an hour everything had picked up pace and each contraction was a strong tightening feeling across my stomach. At 7pm, the sensations in my stomach had come to a point where I needed to stop and think about each one so we called the midwife back, explained I hadn’t gone to hospital but that Craig had been timing my tightening and they were 5mins apart. I also alerted my best friend and doula, Charlie. She had given me invaluable reading material and support during my entire pregnancy so I had asked her to attend his birth to be my eyes, ears, and voice should I not be in a state to make decisions myself.  
Once the first midwife arrived I decided I wanted her to check my cervix (something I had previously not wanted) as I needed to know how much I had progressed. To my astonishment I was 5cm dilated – this was fantastic news! I was half way there!  I had Craig run me a fresh bath where I lay perfectly still and silent, when Charlie had arrived labour really begun. She took position next to me as I lay in the bath, cooling me down with a cold compress on my forehead, and giving me water to drink. As each contraction built up she pressed a hot flannel on the very bottom of my back to counter act the pressure (this felt like heaven) I allowed each contraction to engulf me, they took my full concentration so I totally surrendered to them, I didn’t scream or swear, I just found the most comfortable position and tackled each one at a time being constantly reminded by Charlie that with each one my boy was getting close to my arms.
I had decided after half an hour in the bath that I was too hot and needed to get out, I wanted to lie down on the floor; I have no idea why I thought this would be a good idea as the pain was horrendous. It felt so unnatural that I immediately called out to be picked up. I stood with my arms round Charlie as a contraction took over me and it was at this point that I experienced the huge desire to be alone. From deep down inside me I was being told that I had to be alone with only my baby guiding me. I ran off to the bathroom and closed the door. My body took over me from here, I had no control over it, I just let it do exactly what it needed to do.
There was no pain from here on; just huge rushes of energy where I let out deep loan moans. With each one I could feel my body opening wide. I have never felt so powerful in my life. I had no concept of time so couldn’t tell you how long I was in there for (others say about 20mins), I just knew I had a job to do and focused entirely on listening to my boys instructions. After three or four long low grunts I reached down and gently stroked the crown of my beautiful babies head. I called for attention, not for help, but because I had an insane desire to show off, to show them what I had done, sat alone in the quiet of my bathroom. Because I had specified I didn’t want any interventions (including to be told when to push) the midwife grabbed some cushions and towels, took position underneath me and waited. As the final surge ran through me I remember the insane smile I had on my face. Everything just let go and he was here. I had given birth to my beautiful boy completely naturally and exactly the way that I had wanted!!
The hardest part of it all was dealing with the negativity and stress from others trying to persuade me I was a fool for doing it the only way I knew how.
The best choice I ever made was to have Charlie there. Without her I doubt it would have been as easy. I will never ever be able to show my appreciation for what she did for us. She fought along side me to ensure I got what I wanted, she was my eyes and my voice during my labour, but most of all she was our protector, she guarded my space in silence and allowed me to take my journey in the peace and safety she knew I wanted and needed. For this I will be eternally grateful.
I have now seen the light, once my boy was in my arms he opened his eyes and looked deep into my soul. Binding us in love for all eternity.
To have a child is to have your heart wandering round outside your body.

Note about natural childbirth.

The beauty of natural birth.
by Charlotte Webb on Sunday, 10 October 2010 at 23:11
When I became pregnant in May 2009, my interest and passion in natural pregnancy and birth grew with my belly. It peaked during Rowan's birth when, with ecstasy, I realised that all the beautiful birth stories I had read up ‘til now were NOT lies, were not the fantasies of oxytocin-drunk women, were not mere recollections through rose-tinted glasses. The beauty of birth was as raw, natural and untameable as the wild ocean waves and the way to handle it is to ENJOY THE RIDE and not try to tame them, not to resist. The idea of taming or controlling the 'pain' implies that the birthing sensations are somehow in need of fixing. They aren't. Those sensations are getting your baby out. Breathe deep, and enjoy the ride.
When I think of natural birth, my heart and soul explode with a riot of colour, my eyes light up, I glow and I feel amazing - when I think of my own son's birth experience, it's hard not to cry. The proudest 15hrs of my life. Nothing will ever beat it. I will have many more children, and each of their births will be unique and beautiful; but the first...the first time you make love to the Universe, the first time you truly surrender yourself, the first time you glimpse pure true love and ecstasy, that will never be forgotten, never be repeated, and I will never be the same person again, for now I know what love is. Now I know how to love myself. Now I know how to heal, now I know how to nurture, for I have given birth. I have participated in the growth and safe keeping of a new human soul, and I had an absolute PARTY doing it. 
This joy was possible because I am a woman; if you are a woman, you can have a blissful, ecstatic, non-painful birth. I don't mean, 'if you are a hippy woman with 11yrs of yoga experience and a hotline to the Dalai Lama, you can have a blissful birth' I mean IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, YOU CAN HAVE A BLISSFUL BIRTH. The female body is made to give birth and to breastfeed a baby, whatever way you slice it. Have faith, have confidence, own your power and do not give it away by asking others for permission to move/eat/drink, or how you are doing - ask YOURSELF, ask your baby, or better yet - just trust and know that all is well, all is safe, all is perfect.  
I don't want to bring this positivity down by mentioning hospitals, doctors, and all that jazz - but they are often focused on what can go wrong with a birth, and this kind of negative talk can make it difficult to enjoy the birth fully. We currently have a culture of 'pain' surrounding birth, but it doesn’t have to be this way, and it ISN'T this way for much of the world. It is popular to share birth stories of pain, horror, interventions - but it isn't supposed to be this way; sometimes it is painful and difficult because we meddle with Nature, and when you meddle with Nature, the delicate balance is upset and things won't be as easy and joyful as they might otherwise have been. Sometimes it is necessary to intervene; much, much more often it isn't. 
Plenty of women in Western society are reclaiming their birth, because they are realising the truth - that their ancestors birthed without the need to knock themselves out with drugs. They birthed easily, with full knowledge and acceptance that they are WOMEN and therefore capable of birthing babies with minimal 'problems'. Never underestimate the power of the mind - problems and pain start in the mind, and are shown by the body. What I'm saying is, if you're uptight, scared, tense, jittery, being talked down to and bullied, your body will be tight, tense, scared - for a birth, you need to be LOOSE, open, free, you need to surrender into it, to greet each contraction with love and say THANK YOU for helping my baby out, THANK YOU to your body for being so wise, THANK YOU to your baby for all the effort THEY are putting in! Keep the love and gratitude. You are blessed to be having a baby.
The truth is, that your body knows what to do. Your baby knows what to do. YOU know what to do, and sometimes all you have to do is surrender, be thankful, listen to your instincts and to breathe. If you can listen with a quiet open mind, and without a mask of fear, you can ride the beautiful waves of birth with joy, you can have an ecstatic birth, you can fall in love with yourself, the Universe, your baby, your partner. It is your body, your birth, your baby, and you are the woman with the answers.