10pm
at my door
Flowers and wine
I nearly fell to the floor
Chats and laughs
Tension, yeah
Nice cuddles,
Stroking my hair
I let you in a bit
to that warm soft space in my heart
The place you occupied before
When I loved you
Standing by the door,
We nearly kiss
We resist
And it's all the sweeter.
I dance, I dream
I smile, I revel
While miles away
You're whoring out again.
Pretty sure I told you not to mess with me again
But seems you need a reminder,
I'm a mother now
A Goddess now
And I will eat you alive.
Richocheting from ex to ex
Your life's a mess
Don't come in here on my peace
Bearing orchids and promise of sweet relief
You enter my house
You enter my heart
Just like last time
But now I'm smart
You've riled me up
You've gotta go
Fling wide the door
For your DJ ego
I stand seething
As petals fall to the floor
A cry from upstairs
And I'm needed once more.
Monday, 14 March 2011
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
On Synchronicity and Lessons
There's a lot I want to write about, and I'm not sure where to start. I attended my best friend's birth 2 days ago and it affected me deeply...it was so beautiful. I'll leave the birth story until I have her permission - I'm sure she doesn't want to log on to find the world knows every detail! I'll wait and see what's ok to share. But I do just want to note that, during the whole time and still, now, I am tingling with the honour. The all-pervading feeling for me was one of absolute honour to be invited into her soul in this way. There was such an incredible amount of love between us and the way she looked at me with pure trust... I'm still reeling from the shock of it, I didn't know anyone could trust me that much. It's really committed me to my path of doula, not merely as a career option, as a lifestyle. It's in my very soul. I feel so goddamn LUCKY, and so priviledged. I am rich beyond measure, beyond imagination even. Ive written so much about the actual birth, and afterwards, and the beautiful connection I have had with her son since in utero... again I want to run it by her before I post, but it's all to come :)
I guess leading nicely on from this feeling of honour which has somehow made me light up with golden energy, is the realisation that what I thought was the beginnings of a new relationship with my ex (the one before Ro's dad) is simply not going to happen. It's been a funny few weeks really, we've been in touch again since June after 18m of silence, and the contact has been increasing since Winter... we saw each other on a night out in Jan and things were hinted at. In Feb we started texting a lot and he even came to mine a couple of times in the evening to hang out - a pretty big deal for me given how busy I am and how non-wanting-a-relationship. He bought me a few gifts and it was pretty clear we were getting closer, on all levels, just a bit of cuddling but no smooching. He stayed over one night when he had a few glasses of wine (spare bedroom, I slept with Ro). I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of it all and explain our history, some of it's still a bit painful and I'm still a bit sore, but mostly I'm really accepting of our sacred contract and why it's panned out this way. I've definitely been blessed with insight here!! So anyway, last time I saw him last week, he'd been over for the evening as he was ill and wanted herbs. He felt better pretty quickly and he helped me with some uni revision and just generally hung out - when I checked in energetically, as I am wont to do, I was surprised to find I was connected to him via the 2nd and 3rd chakras (spleen and solar plexus), and by the 6th chakra (head) - I would have hazarded a guess at heart and base, but nope - it was the intellectual side that got me going with him. Being as he's a Virgo that makes sense. Anyways I'm more careful about whom I plug into my heart chakra these days as the vast majority is taken up with my lil bear, although it's usually open and spinning and reeling with Universal love - I can physically feel it. So yeah this checking in got me a bit confused about my feelings for him, as past experience was telling me I loved this guy, and I think my head was saying I should, but in actual reality I didn't and I don't, it was like a holograph blueprint of what my brain thought should be happening based on past experience. My heart didn't buy it, and on reflection I'm really pleased about that. When he left, we had a long cuddle at the door and we were pretty close to kissing - I did feel open to it at the time, but he looked like he was holding himself back and he left. I was a bit floaty and put some music on and had a dance in my living room, when he got home the texts started (bearing in mind it was about 1am!) and we were both feeling kinda mushy. When I logged onto Facebook before bed (bad habit, I know!!!) I noticed he'd posted a pervy comment on a video of a 'fit' pole dancer - I felt really sick and also angry and disappointed. He didn't owe me anything, we weren't dating, but I'm just at the stage now where I won't tolerate disrespect, and I felt he was leading me on to be perving over other girls an hour after he left my house, y'know? Given out history where I was forever finding stuff like this and it eventually led to our breakup when I found a sexchat site he frequented, I woulda thought he'd know I'm not ok with this. I sent him an honest text just saying I think it's disrespectful and I don't have energy to waste on getting close to someone who just wants to chase tail and got a few messages back to the effect of 'Hun it meant nothing I dont want flings I want a relationship' and I didnt bother to reply - I heard all this before and I needed some time to think on it. It was 2am and I was knackered. All day Friday I was really low and dark and expecting to hear from him. By Saturday I'd given up expecting, having seen his many Facebook updates about the awesome night out he'd had Friday. Obviously didn't really give a shit, funny really because he was never one to ignore texts. Saturday I was dealt the huge blow of court papers from Ro's dad about overnight contact and vaccinations (neither of which are going to happen while I have breath in my body) and also had to see him at contact. Fair to say I was feeling appalling and for some reason had the awful urge to text my ex...being as how I hadnt yet replied to him I didnt think it was too shameful to send him a quick, 'hello Im ready to talk now :)' message, but no reply. Very surprised. The of course on Saturday my friend went into labour and I've been very busy since then and am at Uni until Weds. I really am chock a block, and don't have much time to think about him, but I do see his Facebook updates and know that he's having a blast and I know that his phone works, and I know in my heart that this is the end now. Our sacred contract has been fulfilled and in a way I'm gutted, because I had a misacarriage with this man and I still feel our baby girl's presence around me on a daily basis. I very much got the feeling that she was waiting to see if she'd be coming Earthside in this incarnation, her presence has been very strong this last month and really it was what prompted me to get back in contact with him. There are lots of synchronicities around this, not least that she was conceived on my dad's birthday and her due date, 24th May 2009, was Rowan's conception date. Also I was convinced I was having twins until i had bleeding at 7weeks pregnant (after a weekend of my family saying how I should have an abortion) and I did feel something/someone leave - her again. When Rowan was born I got muddled up and said 'she' a lot. Yeah, her presence is very much around and I now have a sense of closure because I know I won't meet her physically in this lifetime. I can't say I feel sad about it anymore because I have this absolute clarity and insight about the whole situation. I feel like I'm on Neptune watching the Earth goings on - God, we're all so small, the Universe is so vast, and our daily strife is a drop in the primordial soup. Still, the Universe shifts to make way for every newborn, and vibrates with love at each new life. I know it, I feel it.
So with this all in the background, when attending my friend's birth I was very aware of my role, very aware of the absolute support, strength and love I could offer her. Two oak trees together. The day after, with still no word from the ex, I had the revelation that he wasn't right for me anyway - as a woman who walks with birthing mothers, who walks that close the 'chism in the worlds' as my doula-trainer Kate Woods says, if I have a man in my life he needs to be fully behind me, as in awe at the process of life as I am, and who has the strength of character to be a rock for me as I am for others (my son, my ladies). My ex, although a pleasant guy, simply doesnt have this, and he doesnt have the potential to. I don't need to slate him to make me right here - it's just the way it is. Knowing this, I am free to release him with pure love and the absolute best wishes, and off I go, dancing down my path of happy singledom until that long-haired man from my full moon dreams and my Shaman visions crosses my path. Universe says not long. I say, peace.
All is well. 5.30am and the birds are chirping - I'm One with the Source, right here.
I guess leading nicely on from this feeling of honour which has somehow made me light up with golden energy, is the realisation that what I thought was the beginnings of a new relationship with my ex (the one before Ro's dad) is simply not going to happen. It's been a funny few weeks really, we've been in touch again since June after 18m of silence, and the contact has been increasing since Winter... we saw each other on a night out in Jan and things were hinted at. In Feb we started texting a lot and he even came to mine a couple of times in the evening to hang out - a pretty big deal for me given how busy I am and how non-wanting-a-relationship. He bought me a few gifts and it was pretty clear we were getting closer, on all levels, just a bit of cuddling but no smooching. He stayed over one night when he had a few glasses of wine (spare bedroom, I slept with Ro). I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty of it all and explain our history, some of it's still a bit painful and I'm still a bit sore, but mostly I'm really accepting of our sacred contract and why it's panned out this way. I've definitely been blessed with insight here!! So anyway, last time I saw him last week, he'd been over for the evening as he was ill and wanted herbs. He felt better pretty quickly and he helped me with some uni revision and just generally hung out - when I checked in energetically, as I am wont to do, I was surprised to find I was connected to him via the 2nd and 3rd chakras (spleen and solar plexus), and by the 6th chakra (head) - I would have hazarded a guess at heart and base, but nope - it was the intellectual side that got me going with him. Being as he's a Virgo that makes sense. Anyways I'm more careful about whom I plug into my heart chakra these days as the vast majority is taken up with my lil bear, although it's usually open and spinning and reeling with Universal love - I can physically feel it. So yeah this checking in got me a bit confused about my feelings for him, as past experience was telling me I loved this guy, and I think my head was saying I should, but in actual reality I didn't and I don't, it was like a holograph blueprint of what my brain thought should be happening based on past experience. My heart didn't buy it, and on reflection I'm really pleased about that. When he left, we had a long cuddle at the door and we were pretty close to kissing - I did feel open to it at the time, but he looked like he was holding himself back and he left. I was a bit floaty and put some music on and had a dance in my living room, when he got home the texts started (bearing in mind it was about 1am!) and we were both feeling kinda mushy. When I logged onto Facebook before bed (bad habit, I know!!!) I noticed he'd posted a pervy comment on a video of a 'fit' pole dancer - I felt really sick and also angry and disappointed. He didn't owe me anything, we weren't dating, but I'm just at the stage now where I won't tolerate disrespect, and I felt he was leading me on to be perving over other girls an hour after he left my house, y'know? Given out history where I was forever finding stuff like this and it eventually led to our breakup when I found a sexchat site he frequented, I woulda thought he'd know I'm not ok with this. I sent him an honest text just saying I think it's disrespectful and I don't have energy to waste on getting close to someone who just wants to chase tail and got a few messages back to the effect of 'Hun it meant nothing I dont want flings I want a relationship' and I didnt bother to reply - I heard all this before and I needed some time to think on it. It was 2am and I was knackered. All day Friday I was really low and dark and expecting to hear from him. By Saturday I'd given up expecting, having seen his many Facebook updates about the awesome night out he'd had Friday. Obviously didn't really give a shit, funny really because he was never one to ignore texts. Saturday I was dealt the huge blow of court papers from Ro's dad about overnight contact and vaccinations (neither of which are going to happen while I have breath in my body) and also had to see him at contact. Fair to say I was feeling appalling and for some reason had the awful urge to text my ex...being as how I hadnt yet replied to him I didnt think it was too shameful to send him a quick, 'hello Im ready to talk now :)' message, but no reply. Very surprised. The of course on Saturday my friend went into labour and I've been very busy since then and am at Uni until Weds. I really am chock a block, and don't have much time to think about him, but I do see his Facebook updates and know that he's having a blast and I know that his phone works, and I know in my heart that this is the end now. Our sacred contract has been fulfilled and in a way I'm gutted, because I had a misacarriage with this man and I still feel our baby girl's presence around me on a daily basis. I very much got the feeling that she was waiting to see if she'd be coming Earthside in this incarnation, her presence has been very strong this last month and really it was what prompted me to get back in contact with him. There are lots of synchronicities around this, not least that she was conceived on my dad's birthday and her due date, 24th May 2009, was Rowan's conception date. Also I was convinced I was having twins until i had bleeding at 7weeks pregnant (after a weekend of my family saying how I should have an abortion) and I did feel something/someone leave - her again. When Rowan was born I got muddled up and said 'she' a lot. Yeah, her presence is very much around and I now have a sense of closure because I know I won't meet her physically in this lifetime. I can't say I feel sad about it anymore because I have this absolute clarity and insight about the whole situation. I feel like I'm on Neptune watching the Earth goings on - God, we're all so small, the Universe is so vast, and our daily strife is a drop in the primordial soup. Still, the Universe shifts to make way for every newborn, and vibrates with love at each new life. I know it, I feel it.
So with this all in the background, when attending my friend's birth I was very aware of my role, very aware of the absolute support, strength and love I could offer her. Two oak trees together. The day after, with still no word from the ex, I had the revelation that he wasn't right for me anyway - as a woman who walks with birthing mothers, who walks that close the 'chism in the worlds' as my doula-trainer Kate Woods says, if I have a man in my life he needs to be fully behind me, as in awe at the process of life as I am, and who has the strength of character to be a rock for me as I am for others (my son, my ladies). My ex, although a pleasant guy, simply doesnt have this, and he doesnt have the potential to. I don't need to slate him to make me right here - it's just the way it is. Knowing this, I am free to release him with pure love and the absolute best wishes, and off I go, dancing down my path of happy singledom until that long-haired man from my full moon dreams and my Shaman visions crosses my path. Universe says not long. I say, peace.
All is well. 5.30am and the birds are chirping - I'm One with the Source, right here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)